Undeniable Signs Your Ex Wants You Back After A Breakup

It’s obvious.

Relationships aren’t always a straight line. While movies teach us that there is an order to which things must go if we’re going to make our relationships go the distance, the truth is that most of the time life is just too kooky to follow any prescribed guidelines.

Sure, some people do meet their partners, flirt, date, fall in love, and get married. But then there’s, you know… everybody else on planet Earth. You meet, you flirt, and then you lose their number. You start dating and break up abruptly only to get back together three years later. Relationships and “plans” don’t exactly go together brilliantly.

Is it any wonder then that people get so confused about where they stand when it comes to the person they are dating? Figuring out if someone is flirting with you is tricky enough on its own, but trying to decode the signs your ex wants you back after a breakup, that’s like advanced level mathematics.

If you split up with a girlfriend and she’s still in your life, chances are you have asked yourself at least once “Does my ex miss me?” and thought about whether or not the two of you should get back together. You’ve probably also wondered if she misses you.

Since you can’t exactly come out and ask her that (at least not without ingesting several different beers and probably some questionable snack foods), we’re here to help you figure out if there’s a possibility she’s still harboring those romantic feelings from days of yore!

Here are 15 signs your ex misses you and wants you back.

1. She picks a fight with you for no reason.

Actually, there is a reason. The reason is that she’s still harboring feelings for you and just straight-up doesn’t know how to deal with that.

So what does she do instead? Yell at you because your car is “stupid.”

2. She finds silly reasons to reach out.

“I saw a guy wearing a coat on the street that looked just like yours so I had to call and see if it was you!” No, she didn’t. She missed you and needed the excuse to call you u

3. She’s all over your social media.

Sure, nothing noteworthy about liking a couple of pics on Instagram, but liking every pic posted since you guys split? She’s missing you.

4. She tries to make you jealous.

Speaking of social media, take a peep at her feed. Is she rocking new hair, a low-cut top, a new dude or two? It’s no accident — she’s trying to get your attention.

5. She complains about her current relationship.

Sure, the two of you agreed to be friends, but all this griping about her new guy could indicate that she wants to be with you and not him.

6. She gets jealous of the women you date.

Of course, she doesn’t see it that way. She just thinks you could do better. Like, you know, getting back together with her

7. She won’t return your stuff.

You know she still has your favorite t-shirt, but she denies it. Why? Because it still smells like you and she can’t let go of that.

8. She talks about you with your mutual friends.

You hear from one friend or another that she’s talking about you fondly. She’s trying to get back into your life and it’s a truly grassroots campaign.

9. She gets nostalgic out of nowhere.

As far as you’re concerned, the first time you met her parents was a disaster… which is why it’s so weird she’s telling the story like it’s sweet and funny now, and you didn’t totally set her dad on fire during the fondue party. My girlfriend misses you!

10. She booty calls you late at night.

Hell, if she’s booty calling you at all it could be evidence that she’s still hooked.

11. She refuses to talk to you after you split.

You thought everything was cool but now she’s giving you the cold shoulder. She isn’t mad, she’s hurting and she misses you.

12. She hasn’t dated anybody new.

She’s holding out, not because she couldn’t get someone new easily, but because she wants to get back together with you!

13. She shows up to all the same events as you do.

She wasn’t always a party girl, which makes her sudden appearances at the same social gatherings as you a little obvious. She wants to reconnect and she’s making sure it happens.

14. She mentions things about you that she misses.

“I miss your smile” doesn’t just mean you have a great set of teeth. It means she misses you and saying she misses just one piece of you is a lot easier.

15. She’s sending you romantic texts and sexts.

How much more of a clue do you need, man? She wants you, needs you and misses you. She is basically telling you so.

 

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20 Easy-To-Miss Signs You’re In Love With The Wrong Person – Part 2

11. Their Behavior In Public Sometimes Embarrasses You

If you have a partner who is unable to act like an adult in public, you may be with the wrong person, Rappaport says. Maybe they have an annoying habit of getting super rowdy or maybe they don’t show respect for servers. “You don’t want to be apologizing for your partner’s bad behavior,” she says. If you find yourself in situations where you feel the need to make excuses or apologize for your partner’s behavior, you’re probably in love with the wrong person.

If this is happening in your relationship, talk to your partner about it. Don’t bring it up at the moment, and berate them like a child. Instead, wait until you’re alone together and have a serious talk. “Wait until you’re out of the situation, your emotions have neutralized and you’re in a private space to tell your partner that they embarrassed you and why,” Campana says. If it goes well, you can use this conversation as a way to understand your partner and possibly bring you closer together. If your partner can’t take the conversation seriously, it’s a telling sign that they’re not serious about you.

12. You Don’t Feel Comfortable Talking To Your Partner About What You Really Want In Bed

The definition of “good sex” varies from person to person. As Ricciardi says, “It’s unrealistic to think you’re going to be craving your partner’s body 24/7, 365 days a year like lovebirds do in the movies, but having a healthy sex life with lots of passion and desire is super important.” If you find that your partner isn’t as interested in things that you are in the bedroom or you find yourself not being sexually pleased, she says you may have fallen in love with the wrong person. Sure, many people have different libido levels or want different things in bed. Although communication is key, you need to have that level of intimacy in order to feel comfortable enough to tell your partner what you really want. “If you’re with the right person, your pleasure should be important to them,” she says.

13. You’re Having A Lot Of Sex Without Any Intimacy

If sexual compatibility is the only thing keeping you together, you may not be with the right one.

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“Most people think that regular sex with your partner means a healthy relationship, but not always,” Ponaman says. Instead, “emotional, connected sex” equates to a healthy relationship. If you’ve fallen in love with the wrong person, you may have this idea that having more sex is the key to keeping your relationship alive. According to Ponaman, many couples unconsciously shift from sex with an emotional connection to sex for necessity. “If it becomes something you pencil into your schedule, it’s no longer an act of love but a ‘to-do,'” she says. If sex is the only thing keeping the two of you together, that’s a sign you may be with the wrong one.

14. You Overthink Everything You’re Going To Say Because You Worry About What Your Partner Will Think

While it’s important to watch what you say, it’s even more important to have the freedom to express your feelings. When you’re in love with the wrong person, you will have a hard time being your true self around them. As Ellen Bolin, certified professional relationship coach, tells us, “You’ll never want to disappoint or ‘rock the boat,’ so you worry about how your partner is going to react to what you may want or need.” The right person will make you feel 100% comfortable being yourself. You’ll be able to say whatever you want without feeling like you’re going to be judged or ridiculed. If your partner triggers your deeply rooted insecurities or fears, reconsider whether this is a relationship that’s worth staying in. “Every relationship brings out different sides of our personality,” Campana says. “The most important thing is that the sides our partner brings out are the sides that we really like.”

15. They Like Having Things Go Their Way

“If you have a partner that is a bit selfish and has to have their way all the time, you may be … with someone who has not grown up sufficiently enough to be in a relationship,” Rappaport says. A healthy relationship with the right person is one where there’s compromise. You should be able to feel like your voice and your opinions truly matter to them. If you don’t, you might have fallen for someone who’s all wrong for you because they don’t respect you enough to see you as an equal.

16. You Don’t Care If Your Friends Or Family Like Them

Your friends and family can see things about your partner that you don't.

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As Samantha Daniels, Dating Expert and Founder of Samantha’s Table Matchmaking tells us, this is a big one for the majority of people in relationships. “The blessing of your friends and family can make or break any relationship,” she says. But if you find yourself thinking that you don’t care if your friends and family like the person you’re in love with, this may be a sign you’re in love with the wrong person. “This typically indicates that you might not feel as strongly about this person as you thought because if you did, then you would seek validation from your friends and family members.”

17. Being Around Their Family Makes You Uneasy

“I’m not saying this is a deal-breaker, but it certainly can be,” Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, tells us. This is especially true if the family is super important to both of you. So if you just can’t stand their family (or vice versa), you may have picked the wrong person. “Chances are, no matter how crazy or wrong your partner’s family might be, they love them,” Trombetti says. “You may need to find someone to be in love with whose family is a better fit for you.” According to her, sometimes it happens. This is one of those things you really need to decide if you can live with.

18. They Are All About You And Your Needs Only

Having a partner who’s all about your needs may seem like a dream situation to some. But as dating coach Julie Spira says, this is an easy-to-miss sign that you’ve fallen in love with the wrong person. For example, when you and your partner are trying to choose a restaurant for dinner, your partner is the type to always (or most of the time) say, “I don’t care, you choose.” As Spira says, this constant catering to your needs could indicate that they don’t feel comfortable speaking up for their own wants or needs. “They may not feel comfortable enough to be themselves in the relationship or they struggle with their own feelings of insecurity and desire to please others,” she says. You should be with a partner, not someone who’s just going to wait and take orders from you. That is not the person you may want to be in a relationship with.

19. Your Relationship Makes You Feel Emotionally Exhausted

If your partner is emotionally exhausting, your relationship may be more trouble than it's worth.

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Nobody says relationships are easy. But it shouldn’t be so difficult to the point that you’re completely drained. As Daniels says, “a good relationship should leave you feeling energized, not drained.” If you realize that being with your significant other makes you feel emotionally exhausted, you may be in love with the wrong person. “This sign typically indicates that you don’t feel emotionally free and stable around this person, therefore you have to put up a front when you’re with them, leaving you emotionally drained,” she says.

20. You Love The Potential More Than The Reality

“​If you find yourself imaging who the person could be rather than who they actually are, this is a huge red flag,” Matlin says. ​In other words, you’re creating a fantasy scenario in your head while ignoring the realities of the situation. “Sometimes we love potential more than reality because we are actually scared of true vulnerability and commitment,” she says. “But this is self-sabotage in the making.” So if you find that your fantasy about your relationship doesn’t quite match up to reality, you may be in love with the wrong person.

It’s easy to beat yourself up when relationships fail or you keep going back to the same types of people that aren’t the best for you. But as Ponaman says, always have compassion for yourself.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, and this says nothing of your worth or ability to attract someone great,” she says. “This simply means you’ve made choices that are not aligned with who you truly are. If you want to find someone right for you, go back to square one. I know it’s hard to start over, but trust me, it’s worth it.”

Letting go of a situation that seems right but isn’t truly what you want can be hard. But if you can muster up the courage to do it, you can be in a relationship with the right person who loves you and who you love in return.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

20 Easy-To-Miss Signs You’re In Love With The Wrong Person – Part 1

For the most part, you can’t really choose who you happen to fall in love with. You can definitely choose what you want to do with those feelings, but you can’t force yourself to have feelings for someone and you can’t really force yourself to stop. As a result, it’s so easy to find yourself in a situation where you’ve fallen in love with the wrong person.

More often than not, these situations never really end well. If you think you’re in love with the wrong person for you, relationship experts Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola, authors of the upcoming book, How To Keep Your Marriage From Sucking, tell us, you’re in great company. “Almost all of us have been there, too,” they say.

Just think about it. If we all fell in love with the right person right away, none of us would have to deal with the pain of going through a breakup. You wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not your partner would cheat or why they seem to be checking out. You certainly wouldn’t have to look for the various signs that they’re “The One,” because you’d just know.

Oh… good show by the way.

The One (TV Series 2021– ) - IMDb

Sometimes knowing you’re in love with the wrong person will be obvious and sometimes it won’t be. So here are some easy-to-miss signs that you might be in love with the wrong person, according to experts.

1. You Communicate Your Concerns But Nothing Ever Changes

When you're in love with the wrong person, they won't change their behavior for the better no matter how many times you ask.

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“Waiting for your partner to change is a recipe for heartache,” Caitlin Killoren, relationship coach at relationship training app, Relish, tells us. In a healthy partnership, you and your partner will express your individual concerns and find a way to tackle issues together. But if you love the wrong person, you can have all the tough talks you want, and communicate your concerns as often as you like, but nothing ever changes. That’s because you can’t ever really expect to change a person. As Behrendt and Ruotola say, most people are reluctant to change on their own accord. In situations like this, it’s important to realize that this might be a long-drawn-out breakup in disguise. “Eventually you will need to be honest with yourself about where this relationship is or isn’t going,” they say.

2. Your Schedules Don’t Line Up

Have you ever fallen in love with someone who lives across the country in a different time zone or who works overnight, while you work a regular nine to five? If so, Bethany Ricciardi, a relationship expert with Too Timid tells us, you could be head over heels in love with the wrong one. Being in a long-distance relationship or having completely different work schedules doesn’t give you much time to spend together. Although these can work out with the right amount of trust and communication, there’s a reason why many of them don’t. “We all have wants and needs,” Ricciardi says. “Sometimes I like to think of us as flowers; we need to be given a little bit of sunshine and water every day. So who’s giving that to you when you and your partner never see each other?”

3. You’re Spending A Lot More Money For Your Relationship Than Your Partner Is

You may enjoy paying for everything in your relationship like date nights, dinners, surprise trips, or even a Netflix account. That’s totally fine. But as relationship coach Jenna Ponaman, CPC, ELI-MP tells us, “If your partner doesn’t make the effort to share in the responsibilities, this may be a sign of codependency.” The relationship has become more about necessity, and less about desire. If this continues, you may begin to feel a sense of imbalance. According to her, the relationship can become filled with resentment, arguments, and dissatisfaction. If paying for everything doesn’t seem like a bad sign to you, those are clear and obvious ones to pay attention to.

4. You’ve Started To Adopt Unhealthy Lifestyle Habits

If you started to adopt unhealthy habits after being with your partner for some time, they might not be the right person for you.

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If you used to practice self-care a lot, made sure to get a good amount of exercise weekly, and ate healthy before your partner and suddenly it changed, Ponaman says you may have fallen for the wrong person. “This varies from person to person, but healthy eating, for example, allows the body to feel rejuvenated, energized, and good,” she says. “If you were once a healthy eater and decided to ‘ease up’ on the lifestyle after you began to see your partner, it shows you and your partner’s lifestyle habits may not be fully aligned.” It really comes down to the reason behind why you decided to make the change. If it’s to make you two seem more compatible, you may have fallen for the wrong person.

5. Your Relationship Is A Never-Ending On-Again, Off-Again Saga

On-again, off-again situations may make you feel hopeful that one-day things are finally going to work out. But as Jenna Matlin, Clairvoyant Intuitive of The Queen of Wands Tarot tells us, “​The danger with on-again, off-again relationships is that you are inadvertently training yourself to return to the very thing that does not work.” So if you’re stuck in a cycle where you keep breaking up and getting back together, you may be in love with the wrong person. “[If] you find yourself in this situation, you have to break the cycle and go cold turkey if you can,” Matlin says. Furthermore, trying to maintain a friendship might not work either because it can lead you right back into that mess.

6. You Barely Spend Any Time With Your Friends And Family

Your life can change when you finally meet your match. But as Ponaman says, that’s not always a good thing. “Good change is when you make a choice that is clearly for your highest good, but if you feel like you’ve sacrificed something to make this person happy, sometimes this isn’t the healthiest of choices,” she says. For instance, if your relationship is causing you to spend a lot less time with your friends and family, you may have fallen for the wrong person. “In most cases, we tend to make these sacrifices to spend more time with our partners,” Ponaman says. “But this only happens because we don’t feel that we have had enough attention from our mates.” When you’re in a healthy relationship with the right one, she says you wouldn’t need to change your pre-relationship lifestyle to accommodate theirs.

7. They’re Not Into “Labels”

If your partner isn't into labeling the relationship but you are, it might be a bigger compatibility issue.

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Not everyone is big on labels and it’s not uncommon to be in a situation where one partner just wants to “see where it goes.” But if you’re in love with someone who hasn’t given you any signs of commitment and that’s what you really want, you probably fell for the wrong one. “That’s a pretty big disconnect,” Ashley Campana, certified matchmaker at Lisa Clampitt Matchmaking, tells us. “It’s reflective of a major difference in values.” If this is the case, communication is key. Tell your partner that putting a label on what you have matters to you and be clear on why. You can even start the conversation by talking about your boundaries for the relationship. “If your partner isn’t into it, you need to think about what that means for you,” Campana says. “What are your relationship goals and will your goals align with this partner? If not, then bye.”

8. You’re Only With Them Because It’s Comfortable

​Being in a relationship with someone who’s been around you for what seems like forever can make you feel comfortable. “But just because a person has been in your life for a long time and it feels comfortable, it does not mean that they are a good fit for who you are now, or will contribute to your growth moving forward,” Matlin says. If you feel like that passion and desire for your partner is lacking, she says you need to be willing to “step out into the wilderness” and trust that the right person will come to you. “Be willing to embrace ambiguity,” she says. “Trust the unknown. Be radically honest with yourself and what you truly want.”

9. You’ve Confused Being In Love With Having A Crush

Having an intense crush on someone may seem like love, but it’s important to differentiate the two. According to Matlin, a crush is sometimes one-sided. “It’s often an obsessive, overly emotional, and idealized focus on another person,” she says. Most importantly, there’s a huge distance between you and your person of interest. When that crush turns into unrequited love, you know you’ve fallen for the wrong person.

Loving someone, on the other hand, is to see the person for who they are and loving them for the good, bad, and ugly. As dating and relationship coach Rosalind Sedacca, CLC, tells us, “It’s usually based on a deeper sense of respect for who they are. We feel more accepting of and tolerant about their behavior, even when it doesn’t please us. We find a way to still love them, even when we don’t love their decisions and choices.”

10. Your Partner Isn’t The Type To Apologize

If your partner isn't emotionally mature enough to apologize, they are not the one for you.

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It’s important to remember that all couples get into disagreements. But how you choose to respond to each other at the moment can determine whether your relationship is right for you or not. “If your partner does or says something that hurts you deeply and is unable to apologize, this is a sign that they are uncomfortable admitting any wrongdoing,” relationship expert and spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport tells us. This is a major sign of emotional immaturity.

Saying “I’m sorry” is so simple and shows that you can take responsibility for your actions. “Without accountability, there can be no improvement,” Killoren says. If you’re with someone who can’t say sorry after doing something hurtful, you might have fallen in love with someone who’s possibly immature and most likely not right for you long-term.

I’ll have the rest of this article out by noon today!

Stay tuned!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Should You Ask Your Partner To Spend The Holidays With You? Experts Weigh In

If you only started dating someone this year, you may be wondering whether you should ask them to spend the holidays with you or not. While the holiday season can bring you and your partner much closer together, is can also give your relationship some added stress. Since it’s going to be your first holiday season as a couple, you never know which way it’s going to go. With the holidays being right around the corner, it’s about that time to discuss your plans especially if you’re thinking of asking your partner to spend the holidays with you. But is your relationship actually ready for it this year?

“The holidays are stressful for everyone,” Ashley Campana, a matchmaker with Lisa Clampitt Matchmaking, tells Bustle. “Multiply that by two people together for the holidays, a dash of family, and a sprinkle of expectations, and it’s a likely scenario that the stress level will be higher than it would be alone.”

There’s no set time frame for how long you should be dating someone before you spend the holidays with them. As dating coach Anna Morgenstern, tells Bustle, “It’s less about how long you’ve been with your partner and more about how far the relationship has progressed.”

Every relationship moves at its own pace. While inviting your partner to come home for the holidays can seem like a harmless idea, navigating the holiday season in a new relationship can be really challenging. Here are some things you may want to consider first, according to experts.

1. Is Your Partner Ready To Meet Your Family?

Inviting your partner to spend the holidays with you may involve meeting your family for the first time.

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“If you just started dating, the last thing you want is your 92-year-old grandmother asking the both of you when you are getting married and reminding you that by your age, she had already delivered a child,” Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist who specializes in relationships, tells Bustle. “No new relationship needs that pressure, as much as we love grandma.”

According to her, meeting the family is without a doubt the largest challenge of spending the holidays with a partner. There’s always that stress to impress, which can cause anxiety in the most confident of people. If your holiday tradition includes having a large family gathering or there are major cultural differences, it can be a little overwhelming. You want to make sure that your partner is ready and willing to handle whatever gets thrown their way.

2. Is Traveling In Your Partner’s Budget?

A 2018 Experian survey found that Americans spend an average of $930 on holiday travel. “New relationships walk the line of being new but committed, so holiday traveling can be a challenging aspect because of the expenses,” Hafeez says. Your partner may want to spend the holidays with you, but it’s important to be realistic. According to Hafeez, someone may ask themselves if they can really justify spending hundreds of dollars to travel, especially if the relationship is still pretty new. If you know that your partner is struggling financially, or if they’re saving up to buy something big, you may want to wait until next year.

3. Is Your Relationship Mature Enough?

You don't need to date someone for a long time before asking them to spend the holidays with you.

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There’s no set amount of time you should be dating someone before you decide to take them home for the holidays. Some people know they’re meant to be together after a month, and some people take years to figure that out. According to Hafeez, you can’t measure the maturity of a relationship in days or months. But you can assess it by asking yourself this one question: Am I proud to be with this person? “You can be happy with a new relationship but may not be confident enough to bring your partner around the family,” Hafeez says. When you’re confident in the status of your relationship and you know that your partner is going to stick around when things get tough, you’re ready to spend the holidays together. If not, that’s OK. “It’s completely valid to give yourself more time before bringing your significant other to the family holiday, especially if you have a birthday coming up a few months later,” Hafeez says.

4. Do You See A Future With Your Partner?

It’s nice to have someone you can bring along to your big holiday gathering. But the holiday season can have a way of making new relationships feel like they have to move faster than they’re actually ready for. According to Morgenstern, you should only introduce someone to your family that you truly see a long-term future with. Spending the holidays with someone can be a pretty big deal. “If you’re not completely sure about them, asking them to come home with you will mislead them with your intentions,” Morgenstern says. “Make sure you’re on the same page about your relationship before deciding to spend the holidays together.”

5. What Does Spending The Holidays Together Mean To Your Partner?

Talking about your holiday plans can strengthen your communication skills.

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“Spending the holidays together is generally an intimate activity that communicates you care about someone and intend to deepen the relationship,” marriage counselor Brent Sweitzer, LPC, tells Bustle. “But don’t assume it means the same thing to your partner as it does to you.”

Some people may see this as the next big step in the relationship, and others might see it as just another thing you can do together. It’s important to talk to your partner about your feelings and expectations. It can even open up a discussion about your family’s traditions and unspoken family rules. “This will set in place good communication habits for both of you about expectations (particularly around the holidays), regardless of whether the relationship becomes a fully committed one,” Sweitzer says.

As nice as it would be to spend the holidays with your partner, it’s important to consider if your relationship is actually ready for it first. If you feel like it’s the right time, talk to your partner. Having an open discussion with your partner can help you decide what’s best for your relationship this year.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

What Does It Mean To Be Avoidant In Relationships?

Intimacy is the arena in which all of our deep seated emotional tendencies seem to play out — and that is true even if we seem to struggle with reaching intimacy in the first place. But having “avoidant” tendencies in relationships is not uncommon, when it comes down to it, and it’s also not a be-all-and-end-all life sentence if this is how you often function in love.

So, first things first, you might have heard people talk about their “attachment styles” in a relationship before. But where did it come from? Very generally, attachment theory refers to a psychological model about how our attachment to a primary caregiver impacted our personal development. It was applied into a framework about how people act in romantic relationships by Cindy Hazan and Phillip R. Shaver in the 80’s. Whether or not you are able to form secure attachments to people can, theoretically, inform all sorts of things about who you are, how you act, and how you perceive your place in the world. In particular, it informs how you tend to behave in regards to romantic love.

Having avoidant tendencies, on the simplest level, means that receiving love and affection makes you uncomfortable, therapist Rachel Bauder Cohen, MSW, LCSW of Seaside Counseling Center, tells Bustle.

“You (often unknowingly) steer clear of situations that will put you in direct line of affection because you can ‘handle things by yourself,'” Cohen says.

Avoidant tendencies might show up by you being extremely independent, so much so, that you may be uncomfortable with having to rely on someone, Cohen says. It might take you longer to trust and open up to others. It can also mean someone really needs to earn your trust, respect, and love because you don’t just show those to anyone.

You might also have many superficial relationships, but struggle with deeply attaching yourself to someone, Cohen says.

“Struggles associated with love avoidant tendencies [can be things like] feeling lonely, depressed, and not understood,” Cohen says. “You may be extra hard on your loved ones and find yourself constantly let down when you choose to trust someone.”

Having avoidant tendencies does not mean you are incapable of intimacy.

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If you have avoidant tendencies, as counselor David Bennett of Double Trust Dating tells Bustle, it also might mean that you may get into relationships, but the relationships tend to lack a strong emotional connection, or deep intimacy.

Having avoidant tendencies doesn’t mean you are unable to be intimate at all, but it might be challenging to connect at times, Bennett says. If someone has avoidant tendencies, they might keep relationships on a relatively surface level. There is hesitancy towards commitment and someone can often send mixed messages through their behavior and communication. There might be fear around things getting too serious or vulnerable. Avoidant tendencies can show up in different ways.

“They might like to do a lot of the fun things, but perhaps won’t be too available when you need someone to really talk to,” Bennett says. “They may focus more on casual sex, rather than seeing sex as a form of intimacy. They also may idealize past relationships, or even an imaginary ideal relationship. This can result in being very picky and a perfectionist, which allows them to avoid deeper relationships.”

And while someone who has avoidant attachment tendencies often gets the reputation of being a person who totally “avoids” love, Elizabeth Sabine, MEd, registered clinical counselor at Peak Resilience tells Bustle it’s not so black and white.

“We all want love, but the ways that our caregivers responded to (or didn’t) respond to us and our needs helps us to develop ways of coping, protecting ourselves from being hurt, and of going about getting our needs met,” Sabine says.

Clinical counselor Lauren Phelan, MA, of Peak Resilience says that for this reason, she finds it helpful to think about attachment styles as existing on a continuum rather than as rigid categories.

“Some of us may have more avoidant tendencies than others in intimate relationships, and these can be learned (adaptive) patterns that protected us in earlier relationship from being hurt or overwhelmed,” Phelan says. “Those of us who are more avoidant still want to feel connection and closeness, but it may feel less safe for us, so we do it from a distance.”

Cohen says to approach a shift in your tendencies, try things like journaling, as it’s important to open up and be honest with yourself, before you expect to be that way with someone else.

“Lean in to your positive, established relationships,” Cohen says. “If you already have someone in your life that has shown you that they are trustworthy, try opening up about something that is hard for you.”

Cohen also says that seeking help from a professional to dig deeper around relationship patterns is a really good idea. If you feel you have behaviors that get in the way of having the connections you want and deserve, guidance is out there.

 

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