If Your Partner Never Wants To Cuddle After Sex, Here’s How To Talk About It

Apart from enjoying the warm embrace of someone you’re into, cuddling after sex has its benefits. Mainly, your body releases the feel-good chemical oxytocin, often called “the cuddling hormone.” But no matter how good it feels for some people, cuddling after sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe your partner isn’t into the idea of pressing your hot, sticky, post-orgasm bodies together, and they just need time to cool down. Or perhaps cuddling feels a little too intimate, especially if you two are just friends with benefits. Your sexual partner could also have a completely different aversion to cuddling that you have no idea about.

Whatever the case may be, if you want to cuddle after sex and your partner never does, consider talking to them about it. Maybe you’ll change their mind and find a compromise. Maybe you won’t. But either way, unpacking why they seem to be uninterested in cuddling you after sex can help shed some light on what makes them tick, what your needs are as a duo, and how you can resolve issues in the bedroom together.

Here’s what two sex and dating experts had to say about how to approach the post-coital cuddling conversation with everyone’s needs and well-being in mind.

There May Be Physiological Reasons Your Partner Doesn’t Want To Cuddle

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According to Shan Boodram, a certified sexologist and ambassador for sex toy brand TENGA, there are a number of reasons why someone might not want to cuddle right after sex — one being the “post-coital blues,” Boodram explains. Formally known as post-coital tristesse (PCT) or post-coital dysphoria (PCD), people who experience this condition often withdraw after sex or feel an intense comedown. Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, the resident sex and relationship expert for Astroglide, acknowledges that next to pre-existing sadness or trauma, your partner’s physiological reaction to sex could be why they’re feeling down. “Some folks feel sad after sex because of the hormonal and chemical high followed by such an intense release,” O’Reilly tells Elite Daily. “It can feel as though you’ve just come down from a high.”

Some people may crave physical affection if they’re feeling down after sex, and some people simply may not. “Instead of cuddling they may prefer to do something else to boost their mood like eat, watch something, be alone for a bit, or sleep,” Boodram tells Elite Daily.

Irene Fehr, a sex and intimacy coach, also cites post-orgasm tiredness as a reason why cuddling might not be on the menu for your partner. “Sex that is followed by orgasm — especially a strong, whole-body orgasm — can knock a person out and induce a strong desire to sleep right after the climax,” Fehr tells Elite Daily. “They may not want to cuddle or they may not be up for it physically if their desire to sleep is strong.” She also adds that cuddling might feel uncomfortable for some people because their bodies become hypersensitive after sex.

They Might Also Be Worried About Being Vulnerable With You

Apart from physiological reasons, your partner may be worried about the level of vulnerability cuddling after sex may invite. “The social implications of cuddling are a form of deep intimacy. So, in order to keep their own distance, or to ensure you can keep yours, they opt out of touch outside of the sexual act itself,” Boodram explains. Fehr agrees, saying, “When things slow down and you no longer have to do anything, cuddling after sex is a very tender, vulnerable activity — a time to put down your guard or performance and face each other in the raw. It is intimate, and it can feel intimidating and scary for many people who might otherwise hide behind sexual performance or an emotional wall.”

Talk It Out In A Safe, Light-Hearted Way

There could be a chance your partner might feel differently about post-coital cuddling if you explain why it’s important to you, but you won’t know until you talk about it.

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When bringing this up to your partner, Fehr suggests you don’t have this conversation during sex or in the bedroom. “Timing this conversation during or after sex puts your partner into a highly vulnerable position to have to answer not only while they’re aroused or relaxed post-coitally, but also when they’re extra open,” she says. “In a way, it’s a manipulative tactic because it traps them.” Apart from not “trapping” your partner into this discussion, you also shouldn’t have what Fehr calls a “fly-by conversation,” meaning, one that takes place while you’re doing something else.

Instead, Fehr says, “Find a time when you both feel relaxed, calm, and present with each other.” Then ask them questions about what they prefer to do after sex and why, or about their boundaries and what would make them feel more comfortable. Ask them about their favorite parts of getting intimate and what defines good sex for them. Hopefully, your partner will ask you these questions back, Boodram says, which will allow you to express your needs, too.

If They Want To Understand Where You’re Coming From, Work Together To Find Solutions

“Brainstorm to find a solution that works for both [partners], if both partners want to […] learn to get over the hurdle. This piece is important,” Fehr says. “Finding solutions only work if both partners want to find a solution.”

One way to approach this problem-solving is to draw from what your partner has told you about why they don’t like cuddling. If their reasons are physical, maybe there’s a way you can make them feel more relaxed and comfortable while cuddling. If the reasons are related to emotions or intimacy, see if there’s a way to make them feel safe or to slow things down. Fehr suggests trying out a short, non-sexual cuddling session as a trial run.

If They’re Not Interested in Problem-Solving, Ask Yourself The Hard Questions

There’s a chance that even after you express your desire to cuddle after sex, your partner still won’t be interested. Even though this can be frustrating, their feelings are valid. “Ultimately, it’s going to be very difficult for the person who needs post-coital cuddling to feel fully satisfied and complete with sex,” Fehr says. So, you will probably have to ask yourself if not cuddling after sex is something you can go without. Likewise, your partner will have to ask themselves if they can fulfill your needs, or if you’re asking too much.

Whatever the outcome of your conversation with your partner, approaching your talk with intimacypatience, and understanding will be helpful. This could be a golden opportunity to reconnect as partners and really improve your sex life.  Even if cuddling after sex seems like just a “small thing,” remember: Even the “small” things are always worth a conversation.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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What Happens After Sleeping With A Guy Too Soon

Does having sex for the first time with him too soon send the wrong message?

In a new relationship, there’s a big temptation to have sex for the first time right off the bat.

But both conventional wisdom and experience show that having sex too soon increases the likelihood of ruining a potential relationship.

Yet if you’ve fallen into the sticky trap of sleeping with someone too soon, even knowing that it’s not in your best interest, you may have:

  • Gotten caught up in the moment
  • Mistaken sexual chemistry for more than what it is
  • Craved intimacy
  • Had sex for validation after a breakup or a dry spell
  • Used sex as leverage
  • I Felt pressured and wanted to please the guy
  • Believed you could have a no-strings-attached relationship, only to later want a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship
  • Thought you were the exception

Having sex too soon is actually fine — just make sure that of you have the same understanding of the nature of your relationship.

But if you want a real, long-term, and committed relationship, having sex too soon sends the wrong signal to the guys you date.

What Happens After Having Sex With A Guy Too Soon

Hollywood movies perpetuate the fairy tale version of having sex too soon — girl meets boy, they have sex early on, something happens to tear them apart, and then the boy comes back for the girl.

In these fantasy movies, one-night stands become real relationships. We buy into the fantasy that having premature sex doesn’t ruin a relationship when real life consistently shows us otherwise.

Are you thinking, “But I know a woman who has slept with a guy early on, and she’s now married to him!”

Yes, it is possible to have sex with a guy too soon and have it turn into a lasting relationship. But this is the exception, and it’s important to recognize that.

When you presume you’re the exception, you do a disservice to yourself.

It’s in your best interest to act like you’re the rule and be pleasantly surprised if things work out differently.

Having sex too soon and hoping it will lead to a commitment is trading short-term urges for long-term desires.

When a guy acts on his biological urge and you perceive it as love, feelings of doubt and confusion will set in.

You may ask yourself “Did I do the right or wrong thing?” or “Where do I stand with this guy?”

If you like him a lot, you’ll behave and act in unflattering and desperate ways. Your self-esteem will take a hit because you’ll have compromised your values and integrity to get him to desire you on a deeper level. In hindsight, these will be some of your most cringe-worthy moments.

If you find yourself in this situation, it’s okay. The more important thing is to learn and grow from these experiences.

What You Can Do To Keep His Interest — Instead Of Having Sex

Don’t let a man who just wants to have sex with you pressure you into sleeping with him early on. It doesn’t make him a bad guy if he wants to have sex with you — he is just being a guy, and many women let him get away with it.

Don’t be a woman who has sex with a guy thinking that physicality will keep his interest. Most men seek sex for immediate physical gratification.

Here’s the good news: the beauty of being a woman is helping him see sex as more than a physical sensation. Set the pace by having sex only when you feel comfortable and ready.

Setting the pace isn’t about playing games. It’s about knowing what you want (i.e. a real relationship), then behaving and acting in ways that align with what you desire. If there’s a guy you’re interested in, let him woo you.

Take the time to learn about each other.

Discover what his values are, the kind of relationships he has with family and friends, how he views his job, life, and the world, why previous relationships haven’t worked out, etc.

Let him learn who you are, what you’re about, what you love, and what’s most important to you.

If he wants to have sex before you’re ready, and the thought of being intimate with him appeals to you, you can acknowledge what he wants by saying something like, “I like who you are and want to continue to learn more about you. If things keep going in this direction with our dates, I can definitely see us being intimate.”

If a guy doesn’t stick around because you’re not having sex when he wants it, he is not the one for you.

A high-quality man who really likes you will respect your wishes and wait for you.

The Ideal Time For Having Sex With A Guy

So when you sleep with a guy? A one-size-fits-all answer does not exist. However, there are signs that point to the ideal time for having sex with a potential partner.

  • You connect on many levels
  • You feel good about yourself when you’re around him
  • You like who he is
  • You respect him
  • He treats you with respect
  • He does what he says he’s going to do
  • He’s not having sex with anyone else
  • There are no exes or women from the past in the picture
  • You both want the same kind of relationship
  • He is the kind of man you could see being in a real relationship with
  • Sex feels like the next natural progression
  • If you have sex, despite what happens, you’ll have no regrets

Ultimately, having sex too soon rarely turns dates into a relationship.

Send the right signals to guys you date by slowing things down until you learn you’re truly compatible. When the time is right, the sex you have will be meaningful and more fulfilling on multiple levels.

Remember, a high-quality man will respect your wishes and wait until you are ready to have sex.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Should You Have Sex On The Third Date? Here’s Why It’s Okay To Take Your Time In A New Relationship

Should you do it or hold off?

Are you wondering if you should have sex on the third date or risk losing the guy?

Maybe you’ve heard dating tips and sex tips for women that say it’s either “fish or cut bait” at that point — and that he will definitely walk away if you don’t put out.

But that’s an urban legend that’s just not true — after only three dates, you still have no clue as to who this other person is.

There is no way to know whether this guy is into you or not. Or if he is a player. Or if he actually will respect you and want you more if you hold off on having sex for longer than three dates!

Having sex on the third date may actually be self-sabotaging for your new relationship.

Sex hormones can cloud logical thought.

Sex drives up levels of the hormone oxytocin which creates a strong biological attachment.

Oxytocin has been called the cuddle, bonding, or “tend-and-befriend” hormone. Throughout the whole sexual act, you will experience increases in this hormone.

This means that your body may start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you know if you like them, if they are the kind of partner you want, or whether they want to be in a relationship with you.

In addition, rushing into an intimate relationship can cause the release of dopamine, which is the infatuation biochemical.

This means your body may organize you to feel like you are wildly in love, even if this person is not someone who will be the kind of partner you truly want.

It’s the number-one mistake women make when dating.

How do you know when to have sex when dating?

Has anyone figured out how long to wait to have sex in a relationship?

Here’s the bottom line: Until you get to really know someone, it’s not manipulative if you choose to hold off on sex.

This is true for both men and women who are interested in learning how to date and forming long-term relationships. It is not some kind of secret agenda that you have to hide.

Instead, it has to do with being clear about one’s relationship goals. And finding someone who is truly compatible and shares a similar vision to yours.

By first casually dating a few guys and not having sex with any of them, you’ll have great success in finding your soulmate and creating true love in committed, healthy relationships.

At the outset of dating, a little kissing and canoodling are okay until you meet the right one, even if your (or they) want to wait to have sex.

When you follow this dating advice, you’re more likely to find “the one.” And then you will have the juicy, true love connection that is not only passionate but feeds your soul, too.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

7 Signs He Doesn’t Really Love You, Based On The Sex Alone

The truth hurts, but it’s better to know.

The question you probably want to answer the most in the beginning stages of a new relationship is: how much does he really care about me?

While there are several ways to figure out if he loves you or not, we’re going to fill you in on signs you need to pay attention to in the bedroom that can help you figure out where you stand.

Are you “the one” — or are you just someone?

Here are 7 signs he doesn’t really love you, based on the sex alone.

1. He’s a selfish lover.

He doesn’t give you as much time or pleasure as he gives himself. Sex is about him being satisfied; so he doesn’t focus on your needs as much as you want him to.

If he doesn’t make the effort to give you equal pleasure, it means he doesn’t care enough to bother.

2. He doesn’t engage in post-sex affection.

If a guy really loves you he’ll want to keep you close. If he seems emotionally distant or doesn’t ever really cuddle with you after sex, he’s not as into you as you think.

Remember, the sexual experience includes pre-sex and post-sex, not just when you’re doing the do.

3. He objectifies you in bed when you don’t want him to.

There are some people out there who like to be dominated and objectified in bed. This is usually because it’s totally opposite to how they operate in real life. (Hey, we all have our fetishes!)

But if you get the sense that he’s treating you like a generic person and not a unique, special woman, that’s a sign he doesn’t really love you. Even when you engage in BDSM and identify as Dominant and submissive sex, you should feel some sort of mutual agreement as to when this type of treatment is and is not acceptable to you.

4. He doesn’t whisper sweet nothings.

A guy who truly loves you will talk to you during sex. He’ll tell you how much he loves you and shows his emotional side just as much as his physical side.

If your guy doesn’t do any of that and exclusively does dirty talk, keep an eye out.

5. He keeps trying to push your boundaries (in a disrespectful way).

A man who loves you will accept the phrases, “Not yet” or “Not right now.”

If your guy keeps pushing you outside of your comfort zone and doesn’t let up about it, it demonstrates his lack of care and respect for you. He just wants what he wants, end of story.

6. You don’t feel emotionally satisfied by him.

A lot of people mistake physical satisfaction with emotional satisfaction. It’s a natural mistake to make, but sooner or later you have to pick up on the difference between the two.

The sex may be amazing, but if you realize that your relationship consists more of physical attraction than emotional care and understanding, it’s not worth your time.

7. There’s no progress.

Couples in love naturally progress and evolve with each other over time, both sexually and emotionally. If you’ve been with the same person for a little while now and you feel like the sex has reached its height and you’ve become emotionally stagnant, it’s a sign that your relationship isn’t as great as you thought it was.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

The 3-Day Rule Is the Worst Piece of Dating Advice, and We Should All Stop Following It

Picture it: You go on a first date, the conversation is flowing, and you can already tell you have some sort of connection with this person. They’re someone you hope to see again, and you’re pretty positive they feel the same way. However, there’s just one thing — you have to wait three days to talk to them again. Why? Well, because of the well-known and long-standing (but pretty much outdated) three-day dating “rule.”

If you like someone, tell them. If you didn’t feel a connection on the date, tell them. Talk to them when you want to talk to them instead of waiting because of some stupid rule

The guideline came about to direct people on how to handle communication following a first date. After all, you couldn’t possibly contact someone too soon without running the risk of looking desperate, especially a woman reaching out to a man first (the scandal!). Texting or calling someone the day after a date? Forget it. What about the second day? No, you still look too eager. But day three is just right, according to this rule.

This led to the mentality that you have to keep a person guessing how you feel about them, because if they knew how much you liked them, or that you even liked them at all, that would come off as unattractive. This kind of childish thinking is what can kill a potentially good relationship. These days, with social media, texting, and a culture that’s seemingly always connected, why are people still fueling an I’m-so-cool-I-didn’t-contact-you outdated game?

When I used to be on dating apps, I thought if a conversation died down for a few days, at least one of us wasn’t really feeling it. That was fine, but then if the person reappeared, well, that was just a back-and-forth situation I was not there for. The truth is, with so many options at our fingertips (thanks, Tinder), how do we know if someone is actually following the three-day rule or just forgot about you for a minute while they talked to someone new?

Let’s keep it simple: the three-day dating rule is straight up a waste of time. If you like someone, tell them. If you didn’t feel a connection on the date, tell them. Talk to them when you want to talk to them instead of waiting because of some stupid rule. There’s no benefit in playing hard to get if you, in fact, want some sort of future with the person. So let’s make a new rule: if you’re into someone, don’t be afraid to be the first person to reach out following a great first date. Life is too short to play unnecessary games. The worst that could happen is they don’t feel the same way, and if that does happen, you can rest easy knowing you didn’t waste more time thinking about someone who wasn’t right for you. It’s a win-win.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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