Here’s what happens when you suddenly become single again after a long relationship

All the unfamiliar feelings of singleness you’ll be dazed by.

When an old relationship comes to an unfortunate end, it will require more mental strength and will take a longer time to adjust to the loss and all the differences that come with it.

If you spend enough time being in a relationship, you’ll forget how it feels to be single, notwithstanding the fact that you were actually single for such a long time before getting into that present relationship itself.

That’s probably why when so much time and emotions and several other things have been invested into a relationship, one tries to do all that’s within one’s capabilities and even beyond to just to ensure that nothing goes wrong with the relationship.

One attempts to pull all the stops, try to say all that needs to be heard as well as do everything needs to be done, all in a bid to ensure that the emotional investment, time devoted, moments shared, and memories created don’t go to waste.

But if all the positive energy being poured into the relationship is one-sided, it won’t be long before all the efforts at patching things up become insufficient. It’s like trying to make one horse pull a cart designed and built to be pulled by two.

Despite the time and effort already spent on them, you need to realize that once a partner becomes irreversibly bad for you and the whole relationship has become unbearably toxic, leaving is your best bet. If dumping that man or woman will restore your inner peace, then it is a no-brainer that you need to drop them in protection of your space and your energy.

Having said that, we should state that the process of leaving a relationship does not end when you utter the words and deal with the emotions that rise in that moment right there and then. It usually spills over into the future.

Especially for people whose relationships ended after a considerable amount of time, becoming used to that single life could be really trying and tough. That’s because being in a relationship restructures your life, whether consciously or unconsciously, in such a way that won’t be a problem until you leave the relationship and find yourself single again.

You’ll realise that between the time the relationship began and the duration it lasted for, yours and your ex-partner’s lives had become interconnected so deeply that being yanked suddenly off them, and having to live ‘on your own’ is such untold pain and distress, like suddenly having to walk with one leg after living all your life using both.

There’ll be an inevitable emptiness created instantly in you, there’ll be extra time in your schedule that no activity will satisfactorily fill, the way you go about your days will be altered, and some things that had become routine as a result of being in a relationship will cease.

This emptiness and required period of aching adjustment will happen, whether you initiated the breakup or the other person did.

One other thing you realize after leaving a long relationship to embrace the single life is how disinterested you’ll be in relationships, and how scared you’ll be to even try again for the risk of getting it wrong one more time. When you eventually do dip your toes into the pool of dating, you’ll find yourself inevitably comparing them with your ex. And you can’t blame yourself because you’ll only be doing so out of habit since you were going on dates with no other person than your ex for such a long time.

Overall, when an old relationship ends, it will require all your mental strength and it’ll take a longer time to adjust to the loss and all the differences that come with it but that’s exactly what needs to be done if one is to truly put the past in the past and move on to better things.


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8 Reasons You’re Single

You’ve heard the old adage: you have to put yourself out there if you want to find someone! Well, if you’re sending out the wrong signals or you aren’t pursuing the right kind of people, it won’t matter how much you put yourself out there — you’re still going to wind up empty-handed in the relationship department. After the jump, eight things that may be keeping you single if you don’t want to be.

1. You’re jaded.

You can’t believe how long you’ve been on the single scene with no real success. Every person you’ve been out with in the last year or so has let you down in one way or another. You view each date as a new opportunity for disappointment. If thought directs energy, your energy sucks! And you better believe the energy you’re cultivating influences your dating experiences. Instead of focusing on the negative, think of all the lessons you’ve learned lately and the opportunities being single has afforded you (time to develop a career, cultivate great friendships, get to know yourself, etc). If you’ve been locked in a cycle of negative thinking you can’t get out of, take at least a three-month break from dating and recharge.

2. You’re too picky.

You’ve got a list a mile long of traits your next boyfriend must possess and you think anything less would just be “settling.” Well, guess what? People aren’t sofas and you can’t just order one in a specific size, shape, style and color that will perfectly fit your decor and space. Limit your must-haves to no more than five things and accept that the rest of your perfect-for-you someone may not come in the style you’ve always imagined.

3. You keep pursuing people who are “out of your league.”

If you’re a seven and you keep going for tens, you’re not only overlooking many potential matches, you’re wasting valuable time. Sure, it’s great to be confident, but it’s much more time-efficient to be honest with yourself and accept how you compare to your competitors, than to keep chasing people who are far better-looking, younger and/or accomplished than you.

4. You don’t know how to compromise.

You don’t have any problem meeting great matches, but when it comes to the “give” portion of “give-and-take” in a relationship, you’re clueless. Finding a great match is only half the battle! Actually, it’s not even half. It’s a fourth at best. The real work is accepting that things aren’t always going to go your way and you’ll have to make some sacrifices to accommodate a partner in your life.

5. You’re desperate.

If you’d do just about anything for a relationship and would go out with literally anyone who is willing, you reek so much of desperation, no quality person is going to want to get near you. People want to feel special, not like they’re just filling a void. It’s time to focus on what you’ve got going for you, and pursue activities, friendships, adventures and opportunities that enrich your life so you’re reminded that landing a relationship isn’t the only way to feel fulfilled.

Selfish Lover

6. You haven’t made room in your life for a partner.

Don’t wait until you meet someone you really like to quit working weekends and filling every night of the week with activities. Send a message to the universe that you’re ready for that special person by making room in your life now. This can be as literal as making room in a dresser drawer for a significant other and pulling your bed away from the wall so a potential partner can get in and out comfortably. These are action steps you can take to cultivating positive energy, too.

7. You’re too easy.

I don’t mean that in just the sexual sense, though that counts, too. If you’re so eager to jump into a relationship that you’re calling him your boyfriend by date #2, and making yourself available every single time he wants to hang out — even if he’s given you one hour’s notice — you’re gonna be turning people off. You might make an ideal booty call or FWB, but a real relationship will be hard to cultivate. Instead, get to know the other person before you decide you want to marry him, wait awhile before confessing all your feelings, and don’t reveal everything about yourself right away.

8. You aren’t over your ex.

If it’s been more than a few months and you can’t stop saying his name every chance you get, find a therapist to help you work through your emotions. And as long as you have unresolved sadness, anger or resentment over a past relationship, you’re dooming all potential relationships. No one wants to compete with an ex.


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6 Things Single Women Need To Do To Break Toxic Dating Habits (So You Can Have A Healthy Relationship)

Everything you need to know to quit toxic relationships with the same type of guy…

Many single women want to find love and have a strong desire to share their life with someone.

You may wonder why you keep getting into toxic relationships with the wrong men, asking yourself, “What am I doing wrong in dating?”

Healthy relationships seem to make life better and give the little things more meaning. It’s understandable to want a companion to laugh and cry with through life’s adventures, to wake up hearing the words “I love you.”

You may know in your heart of hearts that a relationship would greatly enhance the quality of your life.

But what do you need to do to get serious about having a healthy relationship?

If you’re not truly ready for a new relationship, you run the risk of falling into another unhealthy relationship.

So, how will you be sure that you don’t do just repeat toxic dating patterns with the wrong men?

Here are 6 things single women need to do to stop repeating toxic dating patterns with same type of guy — and enjoy a healthy relationship that lasts.

1. Be honest about your relationship experience.

Single women who are ready for love know what they want — and what they absolutely don’t want — in a relationship.

Many times, they’ve had enough experience with toxic relationships that didn’t work out to know that they want a healthy relationship that lasts.

2. You don’t just want new love — you want the right love.

A good sign that you’re ready for new love is when you’re happy single and okay being alone, but want to find the right partner to share your life with.

3. Be willing to put yourself out there and take a risk …

Even if in your heart you’re ready to find new love, you still may not know where to look for a potential mate. You also realize that you can’t be certain you won’t start dating the wrong man again.

Are you willing to take the risk?

4. … But you’re not willing to repeat the same mistakes.

Single women who are ready for a healthy relationship tend to feel strongly about not repeating the same mistakes.

You won’t settle for investing precious time and energy into another toxic relationship with the wrong type of guy — that never lasts. Been there, done that.

5. Get to know — and love — yourself before falling for someone new.

Before you begin dating or commit to a new relationship, it’s essential that you understand all the unique aspects of who you are.

Taking the time to gain clarity about your personality and pinpointing what you want in life prepares you for finding new love and forming healthy relationships that stand the test of time.

6. Live life based on your own goals, values, and vision.

This might be the first time you become familiar with yourself and begin to prize living your life based on your own values, goals, and life vision.

This shift in perspective is significant on so many levels, but primarily because it represents a core understanding that finding your “dream relationship” begins with you — from the inside out.

You will never find a partner who will love, respect and cherish you until you first feel the same way about yourself. Taking this time to get relationship-ready will prevent you from falling back into repeating toxic relationship and dating patterns that have not worked for you in the past.

Follow these tips and you will be well on your way to finding new love with the right man and fulfilling your desire to be in a successful, healthy relationship!


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The Tough Parts Of Being Single Nobody Talks About

I in no way want anyone to pity single individuals. I was single for a very long time myself and I did not want anybody’s pity. Furthermore, there are a lot of elements of being single that are actually really great—I even miss them sometimes, as a woman in a relationship, and remember how nice they are when my partner goes out of town for a few days. If you have a good attitude and focus on the positive, it’s easy to find the silver lining in both lifestyles—in being free as a bird, or being in a committed relationship. Now all of that being said, I also recall being single and feeling like my friends in relationships just absolutely glorified the single life. Like anything, it has its tough moments, too. Again, this isn’t about pitying single individuals. But if you do have a close friend or someone you care about who is single, maybe keep her in mind when these things come up. Just check in. Here are the tough parts of being single nobody talks about.

Affording rent alone is a nightmare

I don’t know about you, but my rent is very high. There is no way I could afford to live alone in my city—at least not if I wanted to live in a place that is safe, nice, and decently sized. If you’re single and live in a high-rent city, you either struggle to put aside any money after rent, or have to get a roommate. And that might mean doing the whole Craigslist roommate search thing. Yikes.

Living alone as a woman can be scary

Even if you know all of the ways to improve your safety as a woman living alone, that doesn’t change the fact that living with someone always makes you feel a bit more comfortable. When I did live alone, I loved the freedom until I heard a bump in the night. Then I realized how nice it would have been to have somebody else around.

Let’s not forget about the pesky delivery minimums so many food delivery services and restaurants require. They’re easy to meet when you order food with someone, but when you order alone, you’re suddenly left eating pizza or Pad Thai all week long because you had to meet that damn delivery minimum.

You just have to care for yourself when you’re sick. You don’t have somebody there, ready to bring you a glass of water or some soup any time you call. You have to drive yourself to the pharmacy, sick and feverish, to get medication—unless you want to pay PostMates to do it for you.

You feel bad that your parents worry

You know that your parents worry about you being single. They worry about you living alone. They worry about you feeling lonely. You don’t really worry about any of that that much but you feel guilty knowing they worry about it.

Traveling alone can get tedious

Traveling alone is mostly a lot of fun. You’re free to go where you want when you want. The times it gets to be not-so-great is when you’re alone in a new place where you don’t speak the language or know the customs, and have nobody to help you but yourself. Or, when you’re just dealing with super long flights, layovers, and train rides, with nobody’s shoulder to sleep on and nobody to watch your stuff when you go to the bathroom.

Going home to an empty place isn’t easy

Going home to an empty place can be nice…until it isn’t. There are some nights you wouldn’t mind coming home to somebody to talk to. You don’t necessarily want to call a friend and make plans. It would be nice if somebody was just there, and there wasn’t even the pressure to do anything entertaining.

You must have holiday plans

A couple can stay in for the holidays. They can share a bottle of champagne, make dinner, and everyone thinks it’s sweet. If you stay in alone on a major holiday, people think it’s very sad. And, you feel a bit sad, too. So you must go out even if you don’t feel like it.

In fact, you must have a lot of plans

In general, you have to keep yourself pretty busy if you don’t want to get lonely or feel sorry for yourself. You keep an active social calendar so you don’t have time to feel lonely. But, being out and about all of the time can get exhausting. Couples get to stay home and Netflix and Chill most nights and nobody thinks that’s sad.

Pet care is tougher

If you have a pet, you don’t have that built-in help of a partner. You have to befriend the neighbors and swap favors with them, giving them your spare key, or hire some dog walking service. You can’t just call your boyfriend and ask, “Will you be home tonight? Great—can you feed Fido?”

All the unwanted setups

Let’s not forget about all of the people who keep trying to set you up—with or without your consent. You can’t count the number of times you’ve gone to a dinner party and realized the hosts invited just one other single individual there, hoping you two would hit it off. So you felt pressure to talk to him all night.

You go stag to a lot of weddings

A lot of marrying couples only give out plus-ones to serious couples. That’s not you. So you have to go alone to a lot of weddings. You mostly enjoy the freedom of this, though it can be exhausting feeling like you must mingle the whole time if you don’t want to sit all by yourself looking sad.

Oh, and you pay for wedding gifts (and all gifts) alone

You don’t have someone to split wedding gifts, engagement gifts, bridal shower gifts, baby shower gifts, and gender reveal party gifts with. You’re all on your own with those, and they add up.

Any near-death experience at home

That time you’re home, all alone, enjoying your evening when you suddenly nearly choke on an olive. You are rapidly overcome with the fear that you could die in your apartment and nobody would even notice until the place began to smell.

Feeling like you’re a catch who’s wasted

Real talk, sometimes you just look in the mirror and think, “It’s a shame nobody is enjoying this. I’m a catch.” But you also haven’t found anyone worthy of you yet.


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How To Be Happy Being Single — Even If You Dream Of Finding Love

There has to be some underlining reason this chick can’t keep a man…

You owe it to yourself to enjoy your life now — without shame. Here’s one from one of my female subscribers.

We all want to know how to be happy in our life, whether we’re single or in a relationship.

However, somewhere around their mid-20s, single women start feeling ashamed about their relationship status.

Since the ripe age of 22, I’ve been asked about marriage at each and every family function. Family members and strangers would greet me with “You’re next!” every time I attended a wedding — even when I was entirely single with no boyfriend in sight.

For the most part, I was very happy and content with my life as a successful career-oriented woman.

But, whenever I spent time around family, I struggled with this tug-o-war between the career expectations I had for myself and the shame I felt for not reaching the wedded expectations that my family had for me.

It seems I’m not alone in this struggle.

Whether it stems culturally, socially, or is self-inflicted, shame is very present for all women. One study found that 96 percent of women feel ashamed or guilty at least once per day about their friendships, relationships, work, and body.

And though this research seems in direct conflict with current facts about women and marriage — statistically, today more women are likely not to marry until later in life (if at all) than ever before — doesn’t mean we don’t experience shame about it.

Shame isn’t about the action we take, it’s about what we believe we’re not doing. Shame is the guilt we feel over what we feel we “should have” done, what we’re “supposed to do,” and the expectations we set for ourselves.

The expectation of the modern woman is to have it all. We’re told we’re “supposed to” achieve and effortlessly maintain a superwoman identity, at all times.

Society expects us to uphold our image as independent and career-driven women while being a sexy wife and a Pinterest-perfect mother.

When striving for this impossible standard, you ultimately feel shame when the goal isn’t achieved.

So, how can you let go of shame and live a fulfilled happy life you love regardless of your relationship status? Can you learn how to find happiness while looking for love?

Being single can be some of the happiest times in your life if you do these 4 things.

1. Let go of “shoulds” and embrace what is

You have to stop living your life based on what you or others believe “should” happen or who you should be. Instead, begin to unapologetically live into your current reality.

Comparing yourself to others or trying to live up to other people’s expectations only breeds self-judgment and guilt. There is no ideal version of your life. Instead, accept that everything in your life is exactly on track.

It’s OK to love your life now and move toward your future at the same time. That acceptance will give you peace.

2. If you don’t like how it is, do something about it

Maybe you’re feeling shame because being single isn’t what you want. It’s OK to want a relationship. But, instead of beating yourself up about it, do something about it.

Figure out a vision for your life, ask yourself who the person you want to end up with is and seek him with determination.

Set goals in your dating life and take action. Finding happiness in life and love only happens through action in order for things to change.

3. Have amazing relationships with everyone

The key to a fulfilling and happy life is often tied to a relationship and most people believe that relationship is only found in marriage.

Research shows that having strong and profound relationships in all areas of your life is what ultimately leads to fulfillment and happiness.

So, nurture your relationship with your bestie, take your mother out to lunch, spend more time with the co-worker you adore — do whatever it takes to be happier so you can have amazing relationships, platonic or otherwise.

4. Surround yourself with empathy

The struggle of being single is very real, so you may as well surround yourself with people who understand. There’s comfort in talking to someone who can say, “Me too.”

Make sure to spend time with your other single and positive friends. I stress positivity because you want your friends and relationships to inspire you and bring joy into your life.

Letting go of shame takes practice.

Happy people notice when they talk down to themselves so, instead, they are much kinder to themselves. And so should you.

There’s no shame in being single and there is no ideal. There is only how we choose to perceive our experiences.

You can be a happy person by reaping the benefits of being single.


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Women Who Stay Single For A Large Period Of Time End Up The Happiest

A happy and loving relationship is something we all long for. Having someone dear by your side in good and bad, supporting you and protecting you is often the key to success in life.

However, being single can also be fulfilling. I believe the only way people can build a strong, affectionate relationship and a stable home, filled with love, is by accepting themselves as they are.

Very often, it takes time to start loving yourself first. Therefore, it is far from a mistake, but sometimes it is the only right thing to do, to dedicate enough time to get to know your true self.

According to Mintel’s Single Lifestyles UK 2017 Report, 61% of single women claim they are happy with their relationship status, compared to 49% of single men.

Jack Duckett, Senior Consumer Lifestyles Analyst at Mintel, explains:

“It is easy to assume that all singletons are actively looking for a partner; however, our data shows that this is far from always being the case. Much of this reluctance to look for a partner can be attributed to the young increasingly prioritizing their education, careers and financial stability over being in relationships.”

Numerous women realize their success in life is not based on their love status, and they can be perfectly happy on their own as well.

They realize that they would rather stay single instead of being in a toxic relationship. They do not need a partner to enjoy the beauty of life and are not afraid to be alone for as long as it takes until they find the right person to share their days with.

Many women who have stayed single for a long time end up the happiest, as they have become complete individuals, and can eventually become a couple with a person that matches their needs, and aspirations.

Here is why these women end u the happiest, after being single for a long time:

-They learn to enjoy their own company

— They have plenty of time to understand what they truly need in life

— They use the time to focus on their goals and needs and to follow their passions

-They develop deeper bonds with their relatives and friends

-They enjoy their independence

— They pursue their dreams and goals and do not give up on them

— They embrace their solitude and they are comfortable with themselves

— They have no problem to go alone in public until they find a suitable partner

— They chase their dreams instead of guys

— They realize that they do not need a romantic partner to be the center of their world

-They get used to living alone and won’t settle for anything less than what makes them truly happy

Therefore, after the time spent to find their true self, these women will start a relationship with someone who will encourage them to achieve success in life, someone that will keep up with them in every aspect of life.

Their partner will be someone that supports their passions, ambitions, and plans, and also respects their strength individuality and independence.

Such a woman will end up with a partner that will provide more love, care, and respect, and will add more meaning to her life.

Spending time uncoupled has also been found to be beneficial for the soul, as you can learn things about yourself that will help you the rest of your life, and in future relationships.

Jen Rives, Minneapolis-based licensed marriage and family therapist, says:

“Now is the time to thoroughly enjoy not being defined by being someone’s partner and getting lit up about your own life.”

Rives adds:

“Try to be in the here and now and absorb what it is that you have in your life instead of trying to change it. Whenever you work on yourself, it’s not time wasted.”


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Scarlett Johansson reveals ‘there’s a certain loneliness to being a single parent’

Scarlett Johansson has revealed that she felt lonely and in isolation after her harrowing divorce in an upcoming Netflix original Marriage Story.

Johansson who plays the character of Nicole, a once-famous actress who is soul-searching for a new identity after divorce with her husband, a renowned theatre director in New York.

The Avengers starlet said she feels a personal connect with this character as she herself went through a painful divorce while shooting for the film.

“I’ve felt in the past – there’s such a loneliness to being a single parent,” said Johansson.

She added, “Obviously, it’s a lot of many different things at once, but there can be a loneliness and this constant feeling of doubt, that you don’t know what the hell you’re doing and you don’t have anyone else to bounce it off of.”

Parenting solo brings a specific kind of isolation, she noted. “You’re also spending a lot of time alone with a child, without the company of another adult, which is hard for long periods of time. You maybe have doubts about your life: How did I get here? It’s not all the time … but those moments creep in, and they creep in at weird times.”

Meanwhile, Johansson will be tying the knot with Colin Jost in a dream wedding soon.


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Whether you’re single or married, everyone should know these 11 facts about flirting

  • Flirting is important for couples as well as for singles.
  • Business Insider rounded up some of the most fascinating findings about flirting, according to social scientists — just in time for Valentine’s Day.
  • Most people don’t like traditional pick-up lines, and men tend to overestimate how interested women are.

What could be more terrifying than talking to someone you’re attracted to?

As Valentine’s Day approaches, it’s time to study up on what does — or doesn’t — work when it comes to flirting.

Business Insider found some of the most intriguing facts and social science studies on the art of flirtation, so you can saunter over to the object of your affection with confidence.

People flirt for six different reasons.

flirting whispering secret couple date

In a 2004 review of the literature on flirting, Northern Illinois University professor David Dryden Henningsen identified six different motivations for the behavior:

• Sex: trying to get in bed
• Fun: treating it like a sport
• Exploring: trying to see what it would be like to be in a relationship
• Relational: trying to increase the intimacy of a relationship
• Esteem: increasing one’s own self esteem
• Instrumental: trying to get something from the other person

In that study, Henningsen asked 101 female and 99 male students to write out a hypothetical flirty conversation between a man and a woman, then identify the motivations for the things they said.

The behaviors broke down along gender norms: Men were significantly more likely to have a sexual motivation, while women tended to have a relational one.

Couples need to flirt, too.

happy couple
A couple. 
Getty Images

Like Tinder, cats, and dying alone, flirting is usually associated with single people.

But couples need to know how to flirt, too.

After studying 164 married people for a 2012 study, University of Kentucky researcher Brandi Frisby noted that most of them flirted — by playing “footsies” or whispering in their partner’s ear, for example — as a means of maintaining and emphasizing intimacy. Oftentimes, she wrote in her paper, married couples flirted to “create a private world with the spouse.”

People feel connected when they get past the small talk.

couple talking on steps
Making a connection. 

You probably already know that asking questions of the person you fancy is a good idea.

But it’s all about the kind of questions you ask.

According to a widely cited 1997 study by State University of New York psychologist Arthur Aron, people feel more closely bonded when they ask each other intimate questions, as in “What roles do love and affection play in your life?” and “What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?” 

Six months later, two of the participants (a tiny fraction of the original study group) even found themselves in love — an intriguing result, though not a significant one.

Men overestimate how interested women are.

Fed up. 
jazbeck/Getty Images

Evidence from multiple studies supports the idea that, among heterosexual people, men tend to overperceive sexual interest from women, while women tend to underperceive sexual interest from men.

A 2014 study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology surveyed hundreds of undergraduate students from Norway, which according to the UN is one of the world’s most “gender egalitarian nations.”

Researchers found more women had been subject to instances where men overperceive sexual interest from them than men. Young, single, and sexuality-fluid participants also experienced being over-sexualized more often.

The most attractive characteristics depend on gender.

jay beyonce
Beyonce and Jay-Z. 
Win McNamee / Getty

According to a 2011 study led by University of British Columbia psychologist Jessica Tracy, heterosexual men and women diverge greatly in the facial expressions they fancy.

After showing 1,041 people images of different facial expressions, Tracy found that:

• Happiness was the most attractive female expression, but one of the least attractive for men.
• Pride was the most attractive male expression, but one of the least attractive for women.
• Interestingly, an expression of shame was relatively attractive on both men and women.

Flirting can enhance your attraction.

woman flirting
Talking in a coffee shop. 
Ranta Images / Shutterstock

University of New Mexico evolutionary psychologist Steven W. Gangestad told Psychology Today in 2016 that flirting is a “negotiation process” that happens after the first moments of attraction.

It’s a subtle sort of testing the waters. You don’t just say, “I’m attracted to you; are you attracted to me?”

“It works much better to reveal [your attraction] and have it revealed to you in smaller doses,” Gangestad said. “The flirting then becomes something that enhances the attraction.”

It’s not about being the most attractive person in the room.

Aishwarya Rai
Aishwarya Rai. 

It’s about signaling that you’re available.

According to research from Webster University psychologist Monica Moore (who studied people’s flirting behavior at singles bars, shopping malls, and other places where young people meet), women who smiled and made eye contact with others were more likely to be approached than those who were simply good looking.

There may be five main styles of flirting.

millennials dating apps
A couple talking. 
Shannon Fagan/Getty Images

When it comes to flirting, everyone’s got a different M.O.

In 2010, Jeffrey A. Hall and Chong Xing published research that suggests there are five different styles of flirting. In 2015, they followed up on this research by breaking down each style into a series of verbal and nonverbal behaviors.

Here are some key behaviors of each type, as described by Susan Krauss Whitbourne on Psychology Today:

• Physical flirts tend to subtly touch the person they’re interested in.
• Traditional flirts believe men should make the first move.
• Sincere flirts get other people to open up to them.
• Playful flirts see the interaction as a game and may be using the flirtation as a means to another end.

The best flirters shift their strategy depending on context.

Gay couple same sex dating flirting
A couple at a restaurant. 
Fergus Coyle/Shutterstock

If you’re flirting with someone perceived as higher status than you, being more subtle will lead to more success, according to research.

A 2014 study conducted by University of Pennsylvania professors found flirters who can adjust how overtly they flirt will have the best success. “Presence of rivals, the potential for an advance to be considered inappropriate, or the higher social status of the receiver” are all situations where you’re better off being more subtle.

If successful, flirting can lead others to think you are also funny or creative, as well as attractive.

If you’re flirting on an app, there are some words that work better than others.

dating app
Looking at a dating app. 

Compliments over text go a long way, dating website Plenty of Fish finds.

The website analyzed 60,000 messages on dating apps to find the words that got the best responses. For men, calling a woman “beautiful” led to a conversation 20% of the time. Women messaging men first receive responses less often, but using the word “nice” works best.

Flirting could be all about biology.

couple bed sex unhappy
A couple. 
Vasiliy Koval / Shutterstock

Flirting may have less to do with words or body language, and more to do with biology.

Scientists have long speculated on how pheromones, or chemicals released by your body that have an impact on people around you, contribute to physical attraction. A 2011 study out of Florida State University found men who were exposed to pheromones released by ovulating women were more likely to drink alcohol and flirt with women.


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The Happiest Single People I Know Follow This Dating Advice

If you’re single, you likely have no shortage of people offering you advice on your love life, from your mom to your well-meaning married friend who tells you that you need to “put yourself out there more” (never mind that she’s been with the same guy since she bumped into him at a Shins concert in 2004). But in my experience, the most valuable wisdom comes from my fellow single ladies, women of all ages who have been navigating dating in an era of apps, Insta-stalking and everything in between—and still manage to have a positive outlook.

Arrive First and Pay in Cash

“If you’re meeting an app match for the first time at a bar, arrive early and pay for your first drink in cash so you can make a quick exit if necessary. Sounds extreme, but if things go south, the last thing you want is to have to wait around to close your tab.”—Clara, 31

Think Beyond Grabbing Drinks

“Try dates that are more interactive activities than dinner, drinks or coffee. You can get to know another person more quickly by experiencing something together. Concerts, sporting events, comedy shows, museums and street fairs will give you plenty to talk about. One guy took me on a date to this sky slide thing in downtown L.A.. It was definitely a good icebreaker.”—Renée, 33

Don’t Give Up an Evening for Just Anyone

“Only give a second date to someone who’s proved that spending time with them is going to be better than being on the couch in your pajamas and a face mask.”—Erica, 29

Take Their Online Persona at Face Value

“If you’ve been messaging with someone and they’re not asking questions or putting any effort into meeting up, don’t assume they’ll be better in person. They’re showing you exactly what they’re capable of—which is nothing. You officially have permission to write them off.”—Adrienne, 36

Know When to Ignore Other People’s Advice

“I’ve been told so many times that it’s a numbers game; that more dates will get you closer to the relationship you’re looking for. Once I threw that conceit out the window, I became a much happier single person. Basically, what worked for one person, especially when it comes to dating apps, is their experience alone. And it’s OK if it may not be yours.”—Lauren, 35

Rethink Your Incentive

“Try to view dates as an excuse to go out and get a drink because you wanted to go out and get a drink anyway. If there are sparks, great; if not, you still got to check out that new bar you’ve been wondering about.”—Rachel, 27

Keep an Open Mind

“Go out with people who aren’t ‘your type.’ Attraction can come in many forms and someone who doesn’t tick certain boxes might surprise you in other ways.”—Camille, 32

Remember It Goes Both Ways

“Remember that a first date is also an opportunity for you to assess what the other person can bring to your life—not a challenge to win them over. It’s not a one-way street and it’s important to ask whether you like them and how they make you feel, not obsess as much about the other way around.—Anna, 34

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

“Don’t try to be ‘perfect’ at the expense of being authentic to who you are, and don’t dwell on any perceived missteps. The wording of a text isn’t going to matter to someone you actually connect with.”—Jade, 42

Channel Your Vacation Self

“When you’re on a date, try to channel the version of yourself you are on vacation. Think relaxed, spontaneous and open to new experiences as opposed to wary and skeptical. (On a related note, hitting the apps while you are on vacation is a fun way to get some local recommendations and exercise the dating muscle in a no-pressure situation.)”—Whitney, 38

Watch Out for Warning Signs

“Swipe left on anyone who uses critical language in their profile (e.g., ‘Don’t bring drama’ or ‘No basic girls’). Even if it’s not something that applies to you, it automatically reveals them to have biases and a negative attitude toward women and you’re better off not wasting your time.”—Jamie, 43

Give Yourself a Break

“Don’t feel guilty for deleting or not using the apps. Sometimes you need a break. And on a related note, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not dating enough: Self-care is important and if that means a few weeks of date-free evenings, so be it.”—Luisa, 24

Think of It as Life Experience

“Getting to know other people on this planet is interesting even if it doesn’t go anywhere. Sometimes dating can feel like a chore—try to change your perspective. At the very least, you might get a funny story out of it.”—Sarah, 35


Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Lorelei – My Daughter – Happy Valentine’s Day

What can I say on Valentine’s Day to my daughter?

First on and foremost lets see what Valentines day really is.

I created the link so I don’t have to deal with it.

There will be flowers, chocolate and missing my girlfriend this year.

What are you all up to?


Valentine’s day is here and my girlfriend is in Japan with her family so I have no one to celebrate the stupid created money grab holiday with.

So who do I love?

Of course! It’s so easy. My daughter, Lorelei!

So I’ll just write to her today.


Happy Valentine’s Day to you, love.

You are the light of my life, and even though you rose from a broken marriage, we both loved you so much.

I can’t speak for your mom but I love you more that I love myself, and I know she does too.

As crazy and difficult anything has been between your mom and me, we both love you and would give our lives to protect you in this world.


I forgive your mom for everything, and I hope she is smiling right now.


Life is way too short to be bitter about anything.


I’m so happy that you and Brad have been in a relationship for over 4 years now! (We love him! He gets to come to Christmas every year at Janice’s house!)

You have worked from the day you graduated high school, and been so consistent in everything you’ve pursued.

You’ve been in the same job for the last two years and have outlasted most of your coworkers, and you’ve been promoted.


I’m so proud of you my only daughter.


You’ve been in the arts since you were 4 years old. Singing, choir, acting, drama, shows, and plays non-stop. Theater Camp, and then high school plays, non-stop.

You came to me at 18 to escape the clutches of your mom and flourished here in Philly.

I love that, because we both made great decisions to come to this city for retribution and rebirth. Me in 2007, and you in 2015. Our family is from here and we belong here.


You and I had a great conversation tonight about how you have been making music again in your life.

Lor, you are a brilliant singer, but as an artist myself I knew I could never push you when you arrived here in Philly at 18.

Artists can never be controlled.

As much as a parent I wanted to encourage your talent I knew I was powerless, so I did nothing. The talent either thrives or perishes.

There is no middle ground when it comes to art.


Lorelei, you healed and flourished here in Philly.

I started to see your art return to you slowly. (That’s how it always occurs)


Long story short, you have now connected with a guitarist and you are going to start playing paid gigs at a bar here in Philly. You are very much in control of the set list and the guitarist is on board, so this is really happening.

I couldn’t be happier.


I’m a big fan of: “If you’ve got the gift, use it”


But it’s happening and I’m so excited! The former musician’s daughter that is far more talented than him is now going forth with her art.

You guys even have a venue and will be getting paid, which puts them light years ahead of anything I was doing back in 1979!

I’m so proud of my daughter and will invite everyone I to her first show…. I know it will be amazing.


Umm…. I’m going to write these last words just so they’re on the internet forever for her from me….


Happy Valentine’s Day, my love!


My beautiful bird….


Go forth and sing.

I have wished for this day for so long, and now it’s here.

This moment in your life is so important.

Now you strike.

Daughter, it is your time to fly high, but not to close to the sun.

Protect your wings.

Life is fleeting and fragile.

Enjoy yourself.


Your Dad will always be here for you as long as I can stand.


As i get older I’ve learned that life is always moving fast.


In a short amount of time…


This will all seem like a long time ago.


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