Supremely Cringy First Date Horror Stories

You probably swapped as many pretty awful first date horror stories with your friends as potential mates you’ve swiped left on Tinder. When it comes to horrible first dates, they’re no different than taxes or puberty: everyone hates them, but everyone’s gotta get through them. Thankfully, the very worst first dates often become hilarious stories in hindsight, though some remain, complete terrors, even years after the fact. Plus, many horrible first dates provide you excellent excuses to end a creepy-ass date before it goes too far. The people of Reddit shared their worst first dates and they definitely do not disappoint. You might have thought you had a date from Hell, but did you ever date somebody who claimed to know the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Didn’t think so.

“Eh?”
“He asks me out to dinner, but instead of a restaurant he pulls into an empty parking lot and pulls out his half flaccid dick. He looks at me with a shrug and goes ‘Eh!?’ I look him in the eye all stern like for a good minute before he zips up his pants and he drives me back home in complete silence. Only when we pull into my driveway he said ‘Your eyes are too big for your face…’ I just get out and start walking to my door, but he gets out too, I figure to apologize. But no, he tries to kiss me goodnight.”
“You Like Being Daddy’s Little Sl*t”

“So I matched with this dude who seemed nice, and we agree to meet up at a coffee shop. Talking is awkward, but from the get-go, he was giving me some neck-beardy vibes. Example: I complimented his American traditional style tattoo and his response was: ‘Huh I didn’t think girls would know anything about tattoos.’ Note that this was after me talking about the tattoos I have. He also tried to forcefully order for me, which I brushed off like ‘Lol no,’ figuring it was all whatever, he’s just nervous and trying to show off or some sh*t.

Everything was still going okay until he walked me to my car. We hugged, and he leaned in for a kiss. I think ‘Whatever, I don’t care, that’s fine.’ We were making out a little and I felt his hand moving up to my face, and I thought ‘Oh, okay, he’s just going to put his hand on the back of my neck or my chin or in my hair or whatever.

NOPE. I WAS WRONG. SO WRONG. This mother*cker decided it was a swell idea to start choking me. At this point, it would be pertinent to mention I’m a 5’8″ female of average size, and he was a 6’2″ stocky dude. I froze, because that’s my response to threatening situations, and he leaned over and whispered in my ear ‘Yeah, you like that? You like being daddy’s little sl*t.’ I was just sitting there waiting for him to let go of my neck because I am pinned against the car. I finally managed to stammer out a ‘Wuh-what’ and he proceeded to tighten his grip and repeat the question, to which my survival instincts are screaming “SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO” so I just managed to choke out ‘Yes sir’ and he let me go. I proceeded to get the f*ck out of there and chewed him out after the fact.”

Their Date “Knew” The Four Horseman Of The Apocalypse

“This was by far the most terrifying/hilarious date I had ever been on. Years ago, I was a junior in high school and he was in college. We had been texting casually for a few weeks. One weekend, he met my friend and me at a local concert. When it was over, the friend I got a ride from had to leave urgently, so this guy offered to drive me home. No big deal, I thought, I needed a ride. We went to dinner and it was very nice. Nothing weird nothing suspicious.

Then came the ride home. My house was about 45 minutes away through isolated freeways in the desert. (Accepting a ride was not my proudest moment, I admit) He talked the entire ride and it went from normal small talk to him saying that he has superpowers. He said that when he was in high school he went to an alternate dimension and couldn’t find his way back. The only way for him to find his way was to sell his soul to a merchant he found in this other dimension. When he got back to this dimension he had superpowers and could control people’s emotions. He then creepily leaned over and said ‘I can make you feel anything right now…’

He also said he knew the four horsemen of the apocalypse and that he was going to help me during the end of the world. At this point, I was convinced I was going to end up in a garbage bag on the side of the road. But I got home safe. Never talked to him again until he was my server at a restaurant years later and was extremely awkward.”

His Dead Cold Eyes

“A coworker who asked me out for a drink after work. He wasn’t really my usual type but always seemed sweet so I figured I’d give it a shot. We hit a bar, and all seems well until he apparently has one too many. He starts telling me stories about his past and how he was basically a knee-breaker/hitman for some crime organization out of Mexico. He gives me tons of details about methods and the going rates for XYZ. The stories get progressively worse and more graphic, but still, I’m not really believing any of this. I think he’s trying to (very weirdly) impress me.

He’s quiet for a minute, stares off into space, and then leans over to me and his eyes just go dead cold. He tells me that if someone paid him $5,000, he would cut off one of my hands. But since we’re friends, he would do it quick and clean at the wrist and put the hand on ice so I could possibly save it.

I start believing him then. I tell him I’m feeling sick and have to go home. I stayed ‘friendly’ with him at work until he eventually got fired for stealing from the bar – I was very concerned about the ramifications of no longer being on his good side.

I still don’t know if I believe his stories about being a hired killer, but I do believe that he fantasized about it deeply enough to scare the sh*t out of me. I’ve never been happier to see someone disappear.”

MJ In The House

“It was with a guy I worked with. He picked me up from my desk dressed up like Michael Jackson, including tape around his fingers and a surgical mask on his face. He was a plump, 5’6″ white guy with blond hair, making it somehow even weirder that he was trying to look like Michael Jackson.”

He Wanted Violence

“This one guy complained about how he resented that nobody would let him talk to them about the dark side of life, including violence. I mentioned that I have a hard time watching violence against animals on TV. (I meant reality TV shows that show stories of animals who have been abused.) His face perked up, and he asked which TV show had violence against animals. There was an eagerness in how he asked which creeped me the f*ck out. I left quickly.”

Seriously, Dude?

“I went to the cinema and I felt very uncomfortable with my date, so said I wanted to leave. He then proceeds to say, ‘Let me guess, nerves, overprotective parent, wanting to leave, have you been raped before?’ The date ended right there.”

Illuminati

“I have one that’s more ‘weird’ than it was terrible. It’s a doozy. When I was 19, I was working at a shop in a less-traveled part of downtown. It was wintertime, and my hometown is dead in the winter, so there was very little foot traffic. I was working alone on a Saturday night.

A cute backpacker guy came into the shop. At the time, I considered myself to have hippie leanings, so he was just my type (yeah, I had one long skirt and wore jewelry I bought from street vendors. That’s as far as that went. Totally pretentious and naive).

We got to chatting, and he said he’d just gotten into town and was looking for suggestions on ‘fun things to do.’ I directed him to the nearest nightclubs on the next block, and he left while I went about my business. He came back sometime later to tell me that the clubs weren’t really his scene, and invited me to hang out with him at his grandparents’ place, which was on lakefront property. I agreed to it, like an idiot, all excited and flattered that this hot scruffy guy had asked me ‘out,’ thinking it was romantic or some sh*t.

Well, I went there after I closed the shop down at 10 PM. I got to the address he had given me, and it looked like a nice enough place but there were no grandparents to be seen. I wondered briefly if he had just broken in to some random property, but he seemed familiar with a few key things. I stayed, and he made me Kraft Dinner, which was pretty cool.

Then, we sat inside and he began talking about all the occult/Illuminati symbols on the American dollar bill, that everything in the U.S. is a giant conspiracy run by them, etc., etc. At this point, I was feeling uncomfortable. He told me about some experience he had in Tofino (a small, hippie-ish town on Vancouver Island) where he was on the beach and apparently saw hippies come out of the forest, draw a big circle in the sand, and then dance and chant around it in the moon/candlelight (honestly, this one could have been true). He told me about some spooky supernatural experiences he had in Stanley Park in Vancouver that also cemented his belief in ghosts. Then – the kicker – he told me he could see auras. So far, all of this could be just some hippie/free-spirit guy talking about his beliefs, yes? But he said that he believed that he was descended from the wizard Merlin since Merlin had a grey aura and so did he. He believed he was a wizard and had some kind of powers and that’s why all these weird things kept happening to him.

I had to go.

I told him I had to work early. Then, I get outside and it was the first snowstorm of the year – hooray! I could barely get my car up the driveway but finally did (no way was I going back inside or considering staying the night). At the time, I thought he was weird but was more worried about driving in the snow or waking up my parents after being out so late. He texted me once or twice after that, but I kept telling him I was busy.

I should have known better. Way better. That was so, so dangerous. Nobody knew where I was, so I was extremely lucky that he was harmless. When I tell the story to friends, they laugh about my date with a wizard, but I shudder to think of how dumb I was – it’s more about that than about some kooky dude.”

Lick It Right Up

“When I was a senior in high school, I went out with this guy after school. We grabbed some smoothies, smoked a blunt, and were planning on doing the boop, until he picked a zit when he thought I wasn’t looking, and while his face bled he LICKED HIS FINGER. I thought I was going to puke”

Straight-Up Stabbed

“Got straight-up stabbed.’ Friends set me up on a blind date and swore I’d ‘totally love her.’ She was weird at the beginning of the date and just kept getting weirder – clingy and possessive, even though we’d just met, etc.

I excused myself to hit the restroom (the joys of beer) and she hauled to the back and stabbed me in the arm with her knife, claiming I was ‘totally running off on her to make out with the cute waitress.’

I got three stitches, she got an extensive psych hold.

There was no second date.”

Oh, Mario

“On a first date: ‘My great-grandfather’s name is Mario, my grandfather’s name is Mario, my dad’s Mario, I’m Mario, and if you don’t mind, I’ll be naming our child Mario.'”

Fingers Off

“He picked me up at my house and had flowers and a bottle of wine, which for me was way too formal and awkward (I was 18 and he was 27). Then we went to the movies and he would not stop trying to finger me. I finally got so fed up about that I had him drive me home mid-movie .”

Private Time But Not In Private

“The guy kept touching himself. He also ran across the street and didn’t wait for me.”

Just A Little Casual Racism

“‘You’re definitely Chinese. How are you not Chinese?!’

I’m 100% Irish and no matter how many times I stressed this, he would not give up.”

A Parting Gift

“Picked up girl.

Drove to dinner, nice place.

Asks if it’s cool if she smokes.

She pulls out a blunt.

I get pissed off.

She blows smoke in my face.

I kick her out.

She stuck a bloody tampon to my car.”

Meet The Parents

“Dude I matched with online. I was really bored and I like to drive.

He lived about 45 minutes away, but it was up in Big Bear which is really pretty, and did I mention I was bored? He said his truck was broken so I said what the hell, I’ll drive up.

I finally found the place and he meets me outside. He doesn’t have a plan, just says we can go out to the marina by the lake and look at the stars. Ok, I’m hungry, but whatever. Well, the part of the marina we went to was not pretty. It was the backside, the creepy side with construction going on and no one around. I was freaking out a bit but had my knife on me and thought to myself not everyone is bad.

We looked at the stars, talk a bit, and then went back to his place. We walked in the door and his freaking parents were standing at the back door in their underwear looking at raccoons on the back patio. He even introduced me to them and I shook his dad’s hand while he was in nothing but his boxers!

I am too polite of a person and can’t believe it, but I actually went up to the dude’s room. Then he fell asleep on me and I snuck out.

The next day he wouldn’t stop calling me and sending me dick picks at work.”

A Point And A Wink

“I went on a date with a guy I had met online. He wanted to meet for drinks, so I went to the pub and waited. He showed up 20 minutes late on his bicycle, proceeded to come into the bar and down two pints after giving me a point and a wink. I overheard him tell the waitress to “put it on his tab” and then he came over to the table with another beer.

He proceeded to tell me about his two boys (no mention of them in our previous conversation) and how his mom wanted to take them all to Disney World. He told her that would be too expensive, so he left his boys at home and he and his mom went to Disney World instead. Then he proceeded to tell me that he rode his bike everywhere because after his sixth DUI, “those dumb cops” took his license away. He mocked me for drinking water, then in his next breath told me that he could really see falling in love with me. In 20 minutes, I got about ten words out, and most of them were me telling him I had to go.

I later found out that he worked for a friend’s father, and that he was married.”

Mystery Dating

“Got a call from a friend of a friend who I thought I’d met once before asking if I wanted to go out tomorrow (Saturday) night. Sure. I went out to her place about 40 mins away. I realized upon arrival that I didn’t actually know her name. We had dinner, talked, made out a bit, talked about going out again, made out some more, called it a night at around 1 am. I tried several ways to get her to reveal her name, to no avail. I dropped her off at her place, drove home, went to bed.

I realized the following morning that she had never spoken my name either, not on the phone or in person. I further realized that I didn’t have her phone number and called the mutual friend to ask for her number. A mutual friend had no idea who I was talking about. I gave him the address of the girl. He said he didn’t know anyone from that town and the address wasn’t familiar.

Never heard from her again.”

The Cats Out Of The Bag

“Date was dinner and a movie with a girl. We got the movie time wrong so went to dinner first. After ordering she starts looking at her phone a lot and has this weird look on her face. I ask what’s wrong she says her cat has gone missing. She goes outside to make a phone call and comes back 5 minutes later saying we have to go.

I get our food boxed and pay the bill. I drive her back to her dorm and she runs inside with no goodbye. I shrug it off and go eat my boxed cold dinner. Later that night I check Facebook and see her on a date with another guy. I send her a message asking how her cat is.”

Takeout To Take Her Out

“The girl asked if I could buy her something for takeout, mainly because her boyfriend only lets her see other people if he can get a meal out of it when she gets back home.”

https://www.theabsolutedater.com/

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Happy New Year – 2021 – Part 2

The Year That Was… Or Wasn’t!

 

Can we talk numbers for a moment before I get to the good stuff?

Last year in 2019 we had 24,000 visitors and 43,000 page views.

In 2020 we had 93,000 visitors and over 133,000 page views!

Here’s where we are as of this writing. Over the last 5 years, we’ve had over 145,000 visitors to the site, over 226,000 page views, and 2,315 subscribers! I can’t believe my good fortune. Our biggest market is obviously the US, but the United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, India, and Germany are not far behind.

Phicklephilly is read in over 200 countries globally every day!
Thank you all!

Did you know there’s a Language Translation widget on the homepage? It’s really increased my global reach, and I like that people everywhere in the world can now enjoy my stories in their native tongue. Phicklephilly can be read in any language with a simple click of a button! (Now you have no excuse not to read my blog!)

I started this blog back in the Fall of 2016 with a single post on a Monday about a date I went on. After writing it, I thought… How the heck am I going to come up with something for next week? But I wrote something else and was on my way. It was a very long and slow progress in the beginning. (The only way to become a writer is to simply write!)

Then I’d do an update on the occasional Wednesday. Then came Tales of Rock. Then Crazy Dating Stories from my past. What followed was Dating and Relationship Advice. What was once a weekly thing, has grown to a daily forum!

I think the greatest thing that came out of 2020 was the publication of my first work of fiction, Angel With A Broken Wing. You can get that here:

Here’s where we’ve been this year.

Sun Stories

Sadly, Sun Stories are finished. I no longer moonlight at the tanning salon, so there simply aren’t any new stories to write. But the good news is, you can read every story ever written and a whole lot more in my book, Sun Stories: Tales From A Tanning Salon, available on Amazon! At 720 pages, it’s my longest and most lurid work ever.

You can get that here: https://www.amazon.com/Sun-Stories-Tales-Tanning-Salon-ebook/dp/B08JW7KG2W/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=charles+wiedenmann&qid=1606859518&sr=8-2

Crazy Dating Stories

I’m almost out of gas on these stories. They’ve been fun to recount, but there are only so many in my memory. I’m sure there’ll always be some crazy story to tell based on who I am, but for the most part, they’ve been exhausted at this point. I’ll eventually tell the tales of my young life in Philly and New Jersey with some legendary people, and there are still some from my time in California in the early 80s, but beyond that, not much is left.

But, you can read all of them in 3 volumes on Kindle or acquire the entire collection in, Crazy Dating Stories – Anthology!

You can get that here: https://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Dating-Stories-Charles-Wiedenmann-ebook/dp/B086855JZ6/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=charles+wiedenmann&qid=1606859729&sr=8-5

The Quarantine Has Given Us Time To Create

California Dreamin’ 

I really enjoyed writing about the journey on the road to Los Angeles back in those days. I think I did justice to the trip itself, but I know there’s so much more to tell. I still have more stories to write, but they’ll no longer be running every Friday anymore. I’ll probably write a few more and run them on Saturdays. I’ll compose them as the memories surface, but I’ll write them when the mood strikes me. I promise they’ll be interesting, but for now, I need to focus on the things that are happening in my life right now. (So, they’re not going away, just published a bit less.) I recently reconnected with an old girlfriend from back in 1983, so that story will surface at some point.

Tinder Moments

This was a monthly series where I collected funny, crazy dating profiles from online dating sites. Frankly, I don’t really use those sites anymore and got tired of collecting, cutting, and pasting all of that nonsense into my blog. So they’re also sadly dead on this site. You can always go back and read the old ones. They’re pretty funny!

Phicklephilly the Podcast

I’ve done a few of these on Spotify and enjoyed making them. If I have time I’d love to do a podcast series about a former love of my life, Michelle. I still miss her friendship and would like to create a kind of audiobook type thing so you can hear my stories in my own voice. I’d also like to have guests on and interview interesting people about a myriad of different subjects. Please stay tuned, this is new ground for me and any feedback is always welcome! But, it’s been a crazy year and I’ve been so busy creating new content and publishing to sit down and do the podcast. I’m not ruling it out, but it’s resting on the back burner for now.

Dating Series

Michelle

She was my girlfriend over 10 years ago. I still sometimes think about her, and you can read her series on Phicklephilly from 2016-2017. Originally there were only about 15 chapters but it ended up being 24 based on events and time. But I assure you, Michelle is not coming back. I miss her and wish her well, but it is what it isThere will be no more Michelle stories.

Or, you can read my whole journey from Michelle to Cherie in my first book, Phicklephilly. You can get that here: https://www.amazon.com/Phicklephilly-mans-journey-find-Philadelphia-ebook/dp/B084TD43YS/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=charles+wiedenmann&qid=1606859729&sr=8-3

Phicklephilly the BOOK is Now Available on Amazon! (Kindle and Paperback!)

Cherie

Cherie was my lovely girlfriend I started seeing near the end of 2016. Sadly, that relationship ended last year. Distance, work, and other factors caused its demise. It was a wild ride, but not for the reasons you’d think. But, if you want to read about the whole saga, it’s in Phicklephilly 2. You can get it here: https://www.amazon.com/Phicklephilly-found-love-but-keep-ebook/dp/B08H9Q9PPK/ref=sr_1_4?dchild=1&keywords=charles+wiedenmann&qid=1606859729&sr=8-4

Anyway, let’s talk about what’s coming up in 2021.
Dating and Relationship Advice

This series began back in 2017. I would publish content on the weekends. It just seemed like a natural progression for the blog to take. I wrote about dating and relationship tales from my own life, and thought, why not give a little advice to help others?

It was okay for a while, but then a friend of mine was going through a difficult separation from his wife and I wanted to help. I, of course, rallied around him to assist. But I also thought, what if I try to write something every day that references dating and relationship guidance? I’ll do it every day for 30 days and he can read it, and it’ll help acclimate him to the new dating world after being off the market for 12 years.

Well, that turned into 90 days. Then I simply pushed on and kept researching and writing, and before I knew it, it became a daily thing.

But… after a year I realized he was too busy to read it and it felt like a waste of my time. I also wanted to focus on the things I wanted to write about in my own life. I was tired of having to edit 14 posts for over 3 hours every Sunday night, just to be ready to publish for the upcoming week’s material.

But then something magical happened. 

My daily traffic doubled, and then tripled!

I liked that very much. But after a year and a half of that I decided around the end of the third quarter of 2019 I was sick and tired of writing dating and relationship advice every day. I decided to stop doing it by year-end and focus on stories that were exclusively about my life experiences from then on.

But… it got to be about a month later and I realized that dating and relationship advice had become the foundation of the blog itself. It seemed people loved reading them and always enjoyed the content, and commented to let me know that it was helping them in their daily lives. Some of them have become the most popular posts ever and are read every day!

So… Happy 2021! I’ll continue to try to bring you the best and most interesting dating and relationship content I can for at least another year. (Knowing me, I’ll probably never stop writing about the subject because there’s so much to tell!)

Thank you for all of your words and support. Dating and Relationship Advice is here to stay!

Tales of Rock

I still love researching and writing this column. As a musician and a fan of music, it’s fun to dig up these stories about the musicians we all love and hate. They’ll continue to run every Sunday through 2021. I’ve also added another feature entitled, The Best Band You Never Heard. It’ll run on the first Sunday of every month and introduce you to just that. Great bands, you may never have heard about that rock! Tales of Rock is here to stay!

Guest Bloggers

I have a new series that happens on the first Saturday of every month entitled, His & Hers, that I write with my friend Jackie. Readers send us dating and relationship questions and we answer them. If you have a question you’d like us to address, go to the Contact tab on my homepage and hit me up!

Future Posts and Series

Due to the pandemic and not being able to go out and make new stories, I’ve turned my thoughts inward. I’ve written several stories from my past. I think you’ll find them entertaining. I’m going to try to publish one story every other Tuesday in 2021. It’ll be all-new tales from my past life. I mean, if I do get out and something happens, I’ll definitely write about it, but I think these could become a future book.

I recently started writing a series entitled, The Worst, Creepiest & Annoying Songs of the 70s. It’ll include just that. I loved digging out these songs, and as the series progresses, the songs will get worse and worse! The series should be around 7 parts and run on Tuesdays when there isn’t new story content.

I’ve recently written another 7 part series entitled, Back The Tracks, about my childhood memories of where my friends and I used to play.  That series will begin on January 7th and run every Thursday.

I also have a 9 part series about the band, Aerosmith starting In March. I know everything’s already been written about that band. They were always my favorite growing up, so I decided to write about MY experience with that group. Where I was and what was going on in my life through the years as each of their studio albums were released. Should be a fun ride! That series will begin on March 4th and run every Thursday through the end of May.

In May I’ll begin another series entitled, Hunt’s Pier. It’s about an amusement pier in Wildwood, New Jersey. It spans over 60 years and should be a solid tale. That series should run every Thursday through July.

After that, I need to finish writing a series about a woman who was my girlfriend back in 1984. It was a unique relationship that’s full of surprises. As I said, I’ve been writing about the past until I can get out and start socializing again. So I have some good stories to keep you all entertained until then. The series is called, Betty Ann and will run through the summer to October. I think you’ll dig it.

New book: Below The Wheel

This is a hard-boiled detective story I’ve been working on after Angel with a Broken Wing. It takes place in Camden, New Jersey. Alex Hunter and Scott Appel are private investigators who get caught up in the case of a serial killer. With a bit of luck, I’ll finish it and hopefully publish it in the Spring of 2021.

Dating

The core formula of Phicklephilly has always been my personal experiences here in Philadelphia. Although Dating and Relationship Advice has become the foundation of the blog that carries it forth, I believe the stories about my life lie at the center of its existence.

I live a quiet and private life now but have always believed in absolute transparency in the words that I write here. I have no illusion as to who, or what I am in this world. I’m not ashamed of anything I’ve done, and it’s all from the heart. But, let’s face it, because of the pandemic I can’t go out in the city and go on any dates anymore, so I’ve begun writing stories from my past. But, if things return to normal this year we can all get back out there.

If you’ve missed any, here are a few:

My Father’s Chair

Chinese Chicken Salad

Wildwood Daze – Kites – Part 1

Wildwood Daze – Kites – Part 2

There’s more, but this is the direction I’m going in for this blog.

Other than that I’ve been leading a pretty quiet and uneventful life. I like to write and stay busy. I feel like old Ben Kenobi from Star Wars, Episode IV- A New Hope. Not Obi-Wan out fighting the Empire, just old Ben hanging out in his little house watching Netflix.

Sometimes I feel like all of my memories are here on phicklephilly and scattered in a bunch of letters and photo albums in my house. I need to get all of those memories onto the page!

But… I’m still alive and well, and I’m sure there’ll be some new adventures I’ll explore in this brand new year. It’s going to be okay everybody. We have a new President and we’ll all pull together like we always do as a nation and go forward.

Thank you again for reading Phicklephilly loyal readers!

Onward and upward into The Roaring ’20s!

Thank you!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

 

 

Zoolon Forever!

Tales of Rock – The 6 Most (Certifiably) Insane Tales of Rock Star Behavior

We expect our rock stars to be a little crazy. Sex, drugs and trashed hotel rooms are all part of the rocking package.

But even in the crazy-ass world these artists live in, sometimes there’s an incident that makes everybody stop and say, “Dude.”

For instance…

Prince Assaults Sinead O’Connor … For Cursing

 

In the early 90s, Sinead O’Connor scored a massive hit with her cover of the Prince-penned “Nothing Compares To You.” Sorry, that should probably read “Nothing Compares 2 U.” We are talking about Prince after all. At any rate, according to O’Connor, His Purpleness was less than thrilled with her decision to cover the song since he was already planning to give it to a female protege of his, perhaps in exchange for a series of unthinkable sex acts.

When he met with Sinead to discuss the situation, things got a bit out of hand. And by “out of hand” we mean “they got in a goddamned fistfight.”

It started with Prince berating the shorn-locked singer for, of all things, cursing in interviews. She replied with a diplomatic and sympathetic “go fuck yourself.” At that point, O’Connor claims Prince became physically threatening, or at least to the extent Prince can physically threaten anyone.

At that point the two went at it, in what was probably the most effeminate fistfight of all time. Prince used his fists, O’Connor used loogies. “All I could do was spit. I spat on him quite a bit,” she said. Classy! Not that beating women is any classier, but seriously, how would you feel if you were robbed of the chance to pass one of your most enduring tunes onto one of your talented proteges? Imagine the possibilities!

Oh, shit!

Ozzy Osbourne Impresses Record Execs… By Biting the Head Off a Dove

 

That Ozzy Osbourne once bit the head off a bat is old news. To the credit of his sanity, he apparently didn’t know it was a real bat. Plus, he was in Des Moines, Iowa at the time. When you’re spending an evening in a place like Iowa, you find your fun however you can.

A slightly less famous incident happened at CBS Records’ Los Angeles office shortly after Ozzy left Black Sabbath to embark on a solo career. Sensing that CBS was not overly interested in her husband or his music, Sharon Osbourne decided it would be a good idea for Ozzy to show up at a meeting with CBS executives with a couple of live doves in pockets. The idea was that he would release them into the air when he walked in. And who wouldn’t be impressed by having a couple of albino birds hurled into the air at their place of employment?

But Ozzy, ever the showman, decided that instead of releasing the doves, he would take one out of his pocket and delightfully bite its head off as CBS employees looked on in horror. According to an eyewitness, the reaction was an understandably stunned silence followed by Ozzy being hastily removed from the room, presumably while little spurts of blood shot from the bird’s ragged neck stump.

This is the kind of story that, over the years, becomes so shrouded in legend that people start to question whether it is even true, us included. But, admittedly, this picture of Ozzy Osbourne biting off the head of a dove while shocked record execs look on is pretty damning evidence.

Carlos Santana Gives All Glory to… Metatron?

 

It’s not unusual these days for an artist to score a huge album and, in later interviews, give all the credit for their success to God. Ok, it’s not unusual for rappers and R&B singers at least. But in a 1999 interview with Rolling Stone, Carlos Santana awesomely took things a step further.

Those skeptics among us would be tempted to credit the success of the album largely to the fact that it consisted mostly of Carlos playing guitar on songs that, otherwise, didn’t resemble Santana songs in the least. But when asked about the inspiration for his comeback album Supernatural (of course) Carlos credited a mystical spirit named Metatron.

In Carlos’ own words:

“I know it sounds New Age… but in my meditation, this entity – which is called Metatron – he said, ‘we want to hook you back to the radio airwave frequency. We want you to reach junior high schools, high schools and universities. Once you reach them – because we are going to connect you with the best artists of the day, then we want you to present them a new menu. Let them know that they are themselves, multidimensional spirits with enormous possibilities and opportunities. We want you to present them with a new form of existence that transcends religion, politics or the modus operandi of education today'”

Alrighty then!

He also went on to say, “Metatron is the architect of physical life. Because of him, we can French-kiss, we can hug, we can get a hot dog, wiggle our toe.” Well, we do certainly dig hot dogs. And we like a god who may possibly be a Transformer. Then again … Metatron claimed the album would feature “the best artists of the day.” This would be an album that featured both Rob Thomas and Everlast.

We’d have to say we’re non-believers, Santana.

Serge Gainsbourg Sings About Incest… With His Daughter

 

Legendary (to French people) pop singer Serge Gainsbourg was never any stranger to odd behavio(u)r. But the line between strange and crazy is a fine one. Take, for example, the time he appeared with Whitney Houston on what amounted to the European version of The View and said, and we quote, “I want to fuck you.” Strange? Sure. Crazy? No, it was 1985, who didn’t want to nail Whitney Houston in 1985?

No, the Whitney incident was downright boring compared to Gainsbourg’s single “Lemon Incest.” There is nothing inherently strange about singing about incest, we suppose. Aerosmith had a huge hit that was about incest (“Janie’s Got A Gun”). But it’s not like anyone thought any differently about Steven Tyler because of the song.

OK, bad example

But to sing about incest with Joe Perry on lead guitar is one thing. To sing about it with your daughter on co-lead vocals, that’s some whole other shit altogether.

And that’s exactly what Gainsbourg did on “Lemon Incest,” a duet with his quite young daughter Charlotte. It’s at this point that our European readers will scold us for being “dumb Americans” who “misunderstood” the song. And hey, that may be. Or maybe Europeans just have hotter kids than we do. Whatever the case, it’s hard to read these lyrics without getting a bit of the heebie jeebies:

The love that we will never together,

Is the most beautiful, the most violent, the purest, the most intoxicating,

Exquisite outline, delicious child, my flesh and my blood,

Oh my baby my soul,

Incest lemon, lemon incest

But surely, seeing the video for the song will dispel any misunderstandings about the meaning of the song, right? What father doesn’t croon about incest over sleazy electronic music while laying shirtless in bed with his kid? In a perfect world, fucking all of them.

Whitney Houston Gets the Christmas Spirit… By Joining a Cult

 

Speaking of Whitney …

It takes a lot to out-crazy Bobby Brown. But time and again, Whitney rises to the occasion. In a stunt that Bobby couldn’t dream up in a hundred crack-filled years, Houston traveled to Israel in 2003 to spend time with a cult group known as the Black Hebrews. Her reasoning for the trip? To find inspiration for her upcoming Christmas album.

Hanging out with Jews to get inspired for Christmas? Hey, why the hell not? But the group, on the surface just a run-of-the-mill religious group, is purported by some to be more like a cult. Given their unorthodox policies of polygamy (men are allowed seven wives) and, much more ominously, strict vegetarianism, it’s not much of a stretch.

“Crack is vegetarian, right?”

According to some former members, the group believes so heavily in discipline that, not only have children died while being beaten by their parents, but adults are also beaten for failing to abide by the laws of the group’s settlement. Adults who have fallen ill due to the strict diet imposed on them have refused medical attention due to their refusal to visit “heathen doctors” in Europe and American.

Needless to say, Houston was sold. By the time she left, Whitney was referring to Israel as “my land.” And Bobby was probably on the hunt for six more wives. What a bunch of lucky ladies!

Phil Spector Kidnaps The Ramones

 

Legendary producer and songwriter Phil Spector is one of those guys who is batshit insane, but you’d never know it from his calm, reassuring exterior.

You can’t judge a book by its cover.

The above photo is what he looked like when he showed up to his trial for murder charges, looking as sane as possible to impress the jury. Anyway, what is so surprising is how successful he managed to become while spewing the crazy on damn near everyone around him.

Like the time he put a loaded gun to Leonard Cohen’s head. Or that one time when he fired a shot in the studio while he was working with John Lennon. Or all of the other times he allegedly pulled guns on the artists he worked with. But if one incident takes the cake over all of them, it would be the time when Phil allegedly held The Ramones at gunpoint, while working on their End of the Century album.

According to bassist Dee Dee Ramone, while in the studio Phil pulled Joey Ramone away for a private meeting. Dee Dee went off in search of the pair, at which point he says Spector emerged at the top of a staircase, waving a pistol around.

After Dee Dee objected to, you know, having a gun pulled on him and shit, he told Phil he was leaving. That he did this instead of, say, diving behind a piece of furniture while screaming, indicates that the sight of Spector with a gun wasn’t all that uncommon.

At that point, Spector allegedly pointed the gun at Dee Dee’s chest and motioned for the rest of the band to return to the piano room. Then, with the band captive in the locked room, he sat at a piano and made the band listen to him sing “Baby, I Love You.”

Repeatedly.

Until 4:30 in the morning.

But on the bright side, at least nobody got shot in the face!

 

 

Crazy Dating Stories – Volume 1, is Now Available for Sale on Amazon

If you liked Phicklephilly, you’ll love Crazy Dating Stories. These are tales from the last 20 years of my dating life.

Phicklephilly the book, is a story about me moving to Philly and beginning my search for true love in our fair city.

Crazy Dating Stories is the most insane, irreverent, disgusting, and funny tales from my dating life. Everybody has stories like these, and I’d love to hear them. We’ve all been on a Date from Hell!

I went back into my history and dredged up the wildest, weirdest things that have ever happened to me while dating.

While writing and compiling these dating stories, I realized I’d been on so many I couldn’t fit them all into one book. So this is the first of a trilogy. I hope for my sake there’s never a Volume 4!

I’ve decided to make them available on Amazon Kindle and then eventually in paperback.

With everything going on with the Coronavirus and most of us having to stay home from work, now would be the time to grab a copy and get some good laughs at my expense!

You won’t be disappointed!

If anything, you’ll feel sorry for me. You’ll wonder, why did this guy hang in there as long as he did on these dates?

Now we know the answer.

To eventually get a funny story out of it!

 

You can buy it here:

 

 

MORE TO COME! 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

People Divulge Their Worst ‘Sh*t, I’m Dating A Crazy Person’ Experience

You guys ever stop and take a long look at your relationship and suddenly realize you REALLY need an eject button? Don’t sweat it, it happens to the best of us… aaand literally everybody in this article.

Personally, I once dated someone who habitually broke into my house to “surprise” me with gifts that I didn’t want or like. Coming home to twelve dozen roses sounds romantic … but it really hits a nerve when you have repeatedly explained that you don’t like roses. That’s especially true if that nerve is frayed because you have asked your partner repeatedly to not enter your home without you, you didn’t give them a key, and you have no idea how they keep getting in.

It’s hard to see something as romantic when it feels designed to remind you that your boundaries are meaningless, you’re not safe in your own home, and your partner doesn’t actually care what you like – only what they have decided you should like.

Reddit user x_Smokey asked:

So many reddit users have experiences with abusive, narcissistic, and just plain strange partners … and that’s to say nothing of the person who totally stole a car but didn’t seem to understand why that was wrong because they were just “borrowing” it – without permission.

Speaking of cars, those of you curious about how things ended with the Rose Bandit … when I broke up with him his mother tried to guilt my parents into paying her a few hundred dollars to cover the cost of breaking off some arranged marriage he allegedly had. Also, he airbrushed my name across the front of his car – months after we split up.

Yeah. That was a doozie; so are all of these stories.

When Dad Gets Involved

Compared to the more hilarious things, mine is a little more serious and depressing. My first serious relationship was in college and at first she treated me well. After a while things turned emotionally abusive but me being naive and also easy to manipulate, I didn’t see it. She turned me against a lot of my friends and family.

Side note but important: my dad has been through some terrible relationships in the past including my mom. He’s usually a very quiet person and usually lets me figure out my mistakes on my own.

My real wake up moment was when I was on the phone having a fight with her, and she was literally berating me and my dad stomped into my room and shouted loud enough for her to hear “this is NOT what you deserve and she isn’t worth it!”

I left her about a week later once I was able to get all my sh*t from her apartment. When my calm, collected father gets involved I know something isn’t right. She ended up getting into another relationship like two months after I left, and looking back on everything, she probably had some seriously unresolved PTSD from her childhood. I hope she got the help she needs, but I sure hope she isn’t abusing her current significant other.

Pat Pat

I realized it as I was sitting on the windowsill of the 2nd floor wondering if I would die if I hit the pavement.

Thankfully, I snapped back to reality and realized that I shouldn’t sacrifice my happiness for a manipulative douche that forces me to work while he had no job, clean his house, and made me do humiliating things … like dry him off after he takes a shower. He insisted I try him by saying “pat pat” and patting him with a towel. He seriously got pissed when I told him I wouldn’t do it anymore and said it was a sign that I loved him and he would think I didn’t love him anymore of I didn’t do it.

I started planning my escape since my parents lived a 12 hr drive away. I told them to get me 4 months from the time I texted them because it would give me time to get out of there to a safe place and I would send the safe address to them when they were ready to leave and drive to me. I waited till he fell asleep 3 days before they would be there, threw all my stuff into trash bags and threw it off the back porch where a friend waited below with a van and I booked it. I shut my phone off for the next week and when I turned it on he asked where I was and I said far away from you.

Dodging A Silver Bullet

She legit thought she was a werewolf and broke up with me because Valentines Day was on a full moon, I didn’t find out she thought she was a werewolf until after we broke up. My best friend knew the entire time but he “forgot.”

Her friends also thought they were really a fairy. There were more in their group but I forget what they thought they were. Pretty sure I dodged one hell of a bullet

Highlander

Dated a girl who was convinced that she was an immortal (Like the Highlander) and that she was a part of a secret society who “rode the lighting” and that she would show me her powers one day soon.

So…I figured out that it was time to peace out ASAP and man; did it get weird and clingy for like 2-3 weeks.

Definitely a yikes in retrospect lol

Hmmmmm

Was living in an east Asian country about 10 years ago

Used to hook up with this older woman from time to time. One time want back to her place and she said I could just live with her. hmmm.

Then she said since I was handsome she wouldn’t like me going out, so I can just get my stuff and stay with her forever. Hmmmmmmmmm.

Then she said, with full sincerity, that I could wear a little collar and just be like her pet.HMMMMMMMMMM

Pennies

We had gone out a few times and he was such a gentleman. He was really handsome and was always saying the right thing at the right time.

I did see him turn red a couple times over insignificant things, but I thought it was nerves. No biggie.

He kept a 32oz cup full of pennies in the cup holder of the car. I commented on it, he just laughed and said that it was his catch-all.

One night we went out for a little bit and a few small things happened…like he hit his elbow, the waitress knocked over a glass nearby, a car passed too close as we walked, he dropped the keys trying to open the car… etc. Eventually his mood got worse and worse til he was boiling and driving like a maniac.

Another driver made him mad, so my date quickly switched lanes to pass the car on the right. He then reached down and grabbed a handful of pennies and threw them at the other car.

We were going 65 on a bridge.

Elite Child Militia

This wasn’t a date but it was a friendship. Had a classmate that I got along with fairly well and I had his number so I could get notes and whatever. We started texting back and forth and he starts calling me. It started innocent but got really weird really quick. We both have issues with depression and he said he was in a rough spot. Okay, yeah been there so I tried giving him someone to listen to.

He started telling me about his time in this elite child militia that worked for the secret service. How he was dealing with ptsd from his trips to get biological weapons out of the middle east. He was an elite soldier apparently, taught in ninjustu and Krav Maga. He was a one man killing machine and his old captain was trying to get him back in the field.

He freaked me out, started telling me I was the only person that understood him and that he could rely on me. He was seconds away from confessing love. Keep in mind, he knew I was engaged. I got off the phone, deleted his number and never contacted him again.

Grazed

I dated a guy who lived about three hours away. We had visited each other’s towns and as mature adults, this was an acceptable setup.

Until he showed up in the middle of the day on a Tuesday (he had a m-f 9-5) and demanded that I pack my stuff and come with him because society was getting ready to collapse. I had horses and dogs and he told me to leave them behind because when the food supply went they would just be eaten anyway.

He told me he had a bunker prepared with three years worth of food, supplies and ammunition.

I went into the other room and called the police to come and take his crazy *ss out of there. I ended up with a restraining order and I eventually moved because he wouldn’t stop.

I wouldn’t say I dodged a bullet; I was definitely grazed.

One Direction

I dated this guy who clearly seemed insecure mostly of his looks after this situation. So, I was obsessed with One Direction at the time, in their fetus phase. I had posters all over my walls, even on the ceiling, a few in the locker, some on my notebooks, eh you get the point.

Anyways, we were FaceTiming one night and he saw all the posters and started just going OFF about how they’re “so much better looking than him”, and “I love them more than him,” and “you’re probably gonna go marry them one day instead of me,” or “you probably wish you’d lose your virginity to them instead of me.”

He then proceeds to demand I rip every poster off my wall and tear it up in front of him to ‘prove my love’ for him and if I didn’t he’d ‘kill himself’. He was bawling his eyes out, the kind of crying where it’s like you have the hiccups and it’s hard to breathe.

I was shocked and when I refused to do the things he wanted me to do, he stood up and punched a huge hole in the wall next to his bed. At the end of the whole conversation that night, he said he forgave ME and then he loved me and acted like nothing happened the next day. He had/probably still has anger management problems to this day. I’m not sure if he’s ever going to get help for it.

All For Attention

We dated for about 6 months before I broke up with him for hurting himself for attention.

He would cut himself so deep that fat poked out and then show me. When he didn’t outright show me, he would hint that he cut again “oh ouchhhh” *grasping arm* then would look at me and hope I noticed. When I would make him show me (to make sure he was okay, no infection etc) he would refuse and refuse but eventually give in and then crack a little smile while showing me.

He’d do this kind of stuff for attention all the time. But I was so “madly in love” that I didn’t notice. It hit me when he called me (FaceTime) and “tried to hide” that he had just attempted to hang himself. I realized this was all for attention right about that moment.

I pretended not to notice the marks on his neck but he kept trying to find ways to flaunt them, like showing off collared shirts, leaning in close to button them. Applying lotion to the area, rubbing over and over etc. when I continued to pretend not to notice for like 45 mins he eventually got mad at me and told me that I wasn’t giving him attention.

That’s when I went ballistic.

I told him everything that I’d noticed ending with “I think it’s time to end this, I’m breaking up with you” he told me that he’d kill himself if I broke up with him. I said “okay please don’t do that but this is over” and hung up. Probably not a good idea in hind sight.

After checking up on him through a mutual friend (he’s fine) I learned that he had been cheating on me with someone I’ll call P. Now P and him were dating. But now he’s cheating on P with someone called D. He and P broke up and now he’s dating D I have no idea if he’s cheating on D or not but whatever.

I talked to P and P broke up with him for the same reasons. I’m glad that ended and I wish it was sooner.

Horror Film Headlights

When I was driving back home from visiting my father and my long-distance boyfriend was in his car at the gas station down the road. As soon as I had passed, he pulled out and followed me to go home.

We had been dating since I was old enough to date. I met him through one of my online friends who lived in the same state, but she was way up north while I was in the Southeastern part. (I’m an adult now, but we started when I was just 13.) He loved the chase as he flirted with other women and left me begging for it to just be me. A sick teenage relationship.

But the more he cheated, the crazier, more jealous, and more possessive he got. It started by him saying, “Let’s just get rid of our social media, that’ll help tremendously.”

Then it went to, “I prefer if you left me on speaker when you’re with friends and I’ll just mute my end.”

So as a high school girl, I had a solid clique of girls I hung out with, and they were forced to hang out with me with my phone on call with my boyfriend at ALL times. Even while we slept. Again, still didn’t ring a bell in my head that “hey, this guy’s a little off.” Stupid teenage in love me.

We were old enough to drive at this point, so any time I wasn’t answering my phone as much as I did the day before, he’d show up at my house. (We lived 3 hours away from each other). Literally any time my texts even changed mood in the SLIGHTEST.

At this point, he was ATTACHED and did not have a single care in the world about anything except me. Life seemed great in my book, because if he’s so focused on me, he’s not paying attention to others right? Wrong. I developed a habit of going through his phone after all the times he’d done things behind my back and bingo! Found another victim in his cycle; he was cheating again.

So after I had found out, he made us download Life360. It’s a popular app for parents to locate their children with their phones. I was to get the app and join his “circle” and he labeled all the points where I should be. This is when I started to feel a little off, I didn’t think he was crazy. But again, what the hell red flag didn’t I miss so far?

After months of him tracking me, and getting numerous calls when I went to a destination that wasn’t labeled, I went to visit my father. That was another unknown location that we had forgotten to label because I didn’t visit my dad’s much. You’re able to see if it’s a house or business location by zooming in, and that’s exactly what he did.

We were arguing that day so I decided to stay off my phone and enjoy time with the family. Hours had passed, and it was around 10 pm, so I headed out to go home. No biggie. Still didn’t check my phone.

I was about two minutes away from home when I saw the gas station… and then my heart started racing when I saw his car. He was just sitting there, watching and waiting. It was like a horror film, he had his lights directed towards the road and was ready to leave as soon he saw me. I checked my phone in fear, and I had over 30 missed calls from the dude. About 50+ texts. This is all from ONE DAY.

That. That is when I realized. Oh sh*t. I’m dating a crazy person.

You Stole The Car

I had been dating this guy from work for a couple of weeks. He seemed nice and pretty put together. He told me he needed to go pick up his sister from another state and would be out of town for a weekend. Several days later he calls and says he may not be back for awhile because he had been arrested for stealing a car.

“The car you have driven ever since I’ve known you?” which was a couple of months. Yes, he says, but it’s a misunderstanding. He starts telling me a nutty story about how he had been given the keys to drive the car “for a little while” and he just hadn’t gone back yet because he had been busy and he just thought of that as “borrowing” the car??? For months???

I asked him if he had paid a deposit or had arranged anything with the dealership. No he says, why should he? While I am digesting all this I realize some red flags about certain behavior I had noticed but dismissed when I had been riding in the car with him; he was nervous in heavy traffic, round about routes, freaked out when spotting a cop car, etc.

There was also the fact that he still had the dealer tag, expired, on the car(he said he had moved and hadn’t updated his address).

I told him,”You stole the car.” He starts going no no no and giving a convoluted excuse that I couldn’t even understand. Long story short I told him I never wanted to see him again and to never call me again. He never even came back to work.

Sushi Date

Calling it “dating” would be stretching it as it only lasted about one date, but I took a girl out to sushi and 24 hours later I heard from a friend that she had already named our children and planned out our future. Suffice it to say, I got the f out of that relationship in a flash.

Darth Plushie

In eighth grade, some guy had a massive crush on me. However, he only talked via a Darth Vader puppet and called it ‘Darth Plushie’. He thought it was hilarious and great, and even put that thing around the corner of the girls bathroom whenever I was getting out. It was… interesting…

If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

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