3 Subtle Things You Might Be Doing (That Keep Him From Falling in Love With You)

You probably don’t even know you’re doing it.

Falling in love with your new partner and seeing the signs your man is falling in love with you is one of the best parts of any relationship.

But while you’re wondering how to get a guy to like you — and may already be head-over-heels in love with him, too — you could be doing some things that will actually drive him straight out of your arms without even knowing it, which can feel scary.

When you love someone, it’s easy to forget some of the little things they do that might irritate you or frustrate you; but at the beginning of a relationship —when you’re trying to figure out how to make a guy like you — it’s a bit different because you’re not in love yet, you’re at the falling in love stage.

So how does a man act when he’s falling in love — and are you guilty of the big behaviors that stop him from being able to love you?

Bonnie Raitt once sang, “I can’t make him love me, if he don’t.” But Bonnie Raitt probably didn’t look on the internet for relationship articles.

Does this mean you’ll learn how to make him fall in love with you by diving into a quick, five-minute read? Does this mean that all your frustrations with romance and dating are about to melt away?

Should you go ahead and register at Bed, Bath, and Beyond just in case? Probably not.

But it does mean that understanding what men think and how men think ups the odds that you can make him love you the way you deserve.

Now, as a caveat, women aren’t responsible for single-handedly making “happily ever after” a reality.

The point of this article is not to blame or shame the female gender; rather, the idea is to empower women to become conscious of the things they might not know they’re doing.

Things that scare men and drive them away. Things that stand in the path and muddy the waters of an intimate, long-lasting bond. Things that made registering at Bed, Bath, and Beyond a giant waste of your time.

So, let’s jump in and explore three blocks that may be blocking you from finding your soulmate.

Here are 3 behaviors women do that they might not realize are keeping him from falling in love:

1. You don’t support his autonomy

Autonomy is defined as, “the capacity to decide for oneself and pursue a course of action in one’s life.”

This is important to remember because, before you get into a relationship with a guy, he had a life. He had hobbies. He had friends. He had the freedom to work late or golf on Saturdays.

He had opinions on how to arrange things or how to clean his house. And he still has all of those.

When he needs alone time or space, that is a reflection of him, not you. He’s setting a boundary congruent with his comfort level (and you should be setting one, too).

He needs space because he needs autonomy — you didn’t do anything wrong!

Forgetting that can sometimes send a woman into a panic mode and she acts accordingly, often in a manner that involves pressure, criticism, a need for control, and the inevitable label of being “high maintenance.”

The best relationships have both ideals: Autonomy and the ability to be present and consistent with the one you love.

2. You’re constantly competing with him

What does it mean to be in competition with your partner? It can show up as one partner needing to be as intelligent as the other, as good-looking, as high-earning, as good at sports, as popular in peer groups, etc.

This dynamic doesn’t work in a relationship; period. It creates a win-lose scenario because it pits you guys against one another.

In a solid, healthy relationship, partners are on the same team. They understand that they bring unique strengths and talents into the partnership.

They understand that where one person shines, the other may not, but they’ll shine bright in another area. Doing the opposite — and keeping track of who’s better, who’s worse, who’s higher, who’s lower — is exhausting.

And this kind of competition only sends your union sprinting toward the finish line.

3. You’re too low maintenance

Surprise! You probably didn’t see that one coming. Yep, being too low maintenance can work against you. This happens when you aren’t honoring yourself or staying true to your values and needs.

You are in “go with the flow” mode because you think it’ll make you more attractive to your guy.

Women often do this because they think men want a relationship that’s easy-going and hassle-free (and, in fairness, some women are just naturally laidback).

But this works against a relationship because it gives off the impression that you aren’t as invested or communicative, and this compromises his ability to trust you.

Someone with no needs and no opinions are not real. It’s also not inspiring. Someone who fails to stick to their own values and wishes can’t inspire a man to do the same.

The key, then, is finding the right amount of maintenance. Not too high. Not too low. Everything in moderation.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

11 Ways To Stop Obsessing Over Someone

Here’s a guest post from a friend of mine on WordPress. Thank you, Sarika. Take it away!

You have started reading this, only if you have found the title relevant to you. You have either figured out that you are obsessing over someone, or someone is obsessing over you, or …stories of someone you know, make you feel that he/she is going through this obsession phase in one way or another. So, now take a look at 11 ways that can help you stop obsessing over someone.

If you constantly are thinking about someone and are not taking your life forward as it should be because your brain can’t stop obsessing over your crush, someone who you are dating, someone who you have just met, and all your attention is fixated on a girl/boy, then the below points should help you look and think past them.

1. Reason the person

See the person for what he/she is. There are definitely great qualities due to which the attraction has led to obsession, but there have to be some bad points too that have put you in this state of obsession in the first place. Look at all of this as that might help you to move on and keep you in a better place. Also, show yourself the life you had before they were in your life and ascertain that you still can get back to that place, if need be.

2. Laugh about it

You end up talking about that person with anyone you speak with. Directly or indirectly, things just boil down to talks about that person? That can be controlled slowly and gradually, but to reach there, you will have to learn to laugh about your obsession as that will make you realize what has made you be this obsessive a person. Then, consciously make a decision to distance yourself from them to take care of yourself. This will help you stop obsessing over someone.

3. You can be sad and scared

Sad and scared

Yes, you might have hit that age, where you feel if, not him/her then no one. Or everyone around you is getting married or committing to each other for serious relationships and your fear of dying and living alone for the rest of the life is getting to you. And, hell yes, this is also the cause of your perpetual state of sadness. If, it helps, then get off Social Media for a bit to gather yourself without anyone’s intrusion.

4. Stop it

Stop obsessing over the person as now you consciously know that you have started obsessing over someone and start with a new hobby, or to do something that you have always wanted to do and never got a chance to do it. It could be taking that solo trip that you wanted to, learn a new language, start driving that bike that you always wanted to try. Start doing all this or else you are allowing your obsession, to limit your world.

5. Get back here

Live in the present

Live in the present! Thinking about this person all the time and repeating the past events in the head and wondering how the future events would turn out does not allow you to live in your present and focus on future events, based on the present highs or lows. Look at yourself in the mirror and give a ‘reality check’, but don’t be hard on yourself – be your friend. Remember overthinking ruins relationships.

6. Distract yourself

Go to the bar and watch other people, so you distract yourself from the current person that you are obsessed with. If you are unable to do this, then a wingman/woman alone is always a good thing. Undertaking new activities can also help you distract from your present obsession. If, you have tried all of this and still your mind keeps on thinking about them, seek professional help and don’t be shy there.

7. The pedestal is yours

Your obsession holds that important place in your head, which is the precise reason why you are obsessed with that person. It might sound outright selfish, but considering yourself the most important person and keeping yourself on the pedestal are most required and that’s how it should be. Introspect and learn what has been the cause of this obsession – past relationships and more.

8. Their opinions don’t define you

Don't let opinions define you

Because you are so obsessed with them, everything that they say matters to you way more than it should. Sure, you care about what they think about you, but then living up to their desired expectations about you is a bit too much. At times, if they know that you get affected by their opinions, then they purposely may say stuff to put you down and see how you would change based on that. Some derive pleasure out of situations like these.

9. Get a support system

You need this group of people as your ‘go-to’ people at the time of crisis and at times of happiness too. But, you need them more, especially while dealing with this phase of obsession and to get a third party’s perspective. You might end up knowing that some of your friends are also obsessing over someone and that is help enough – better two people sail in one boat, rather than you alone.

10. Stop overthinking

Try not to overthink

Thinking is important and plays a crucial role in everyone’s life, but isn’t useful if it turns into overthinking. Only you can have control over your thoughts and make valid choices on what you can and can’t control. Calmly sit and talk to yourself and make yourself aware of the life that you have outside of your partner. Get back on track and keep on moving as that will help you to keep up with the world.

11. Follow these mantras

Mantras about yourself can help you focus on yourself and make yourself a priority rather than anyone else. Let your anger flow, but to stop feeding your obsession, use mantras like:

  • I am awesome!
  • I am happy and fun, even without him/her
  • I am enough and sufficient for myself

Chant these and if required bring some small changes in your life – like use a different route to work, take your dog to a different park for a walk, spontaneously go for a haircut/tattoo, etc.

If, you are those creative types, then turn this obsession into your muse and get something productive out of it. Paint a beautiful picture, write that poem, record an original song, and so on and so forth. It isn’t easy to learn that you are obsessed and after learning that, it’s more difficult to get out of that obsession. Try these tactics and let us know if they helped in the comments below. Stop obsessing over someone and start obsessing over yourself.

 

The Absolute Dater – Making Online Dating Easy Again

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

7 Relationship Mistakes That Shouldn’t Happen More Than Once

It’s common to experience ups and downs with your partner. And as long as you love and support each other through it all, you’ll likely be able to work on your differences, developing healthy boundaries, and learning how to compromise. It’s only when toxic problems keep happening in your relationship  despite the fact you tried to fix them — that you may have a problem on your hands.

“Sometimes people make mistakes. It could be out of ignorance or a weak moment. At that point, if you love the person and it’s not a dealbreaker, it’s acceptable to forgive and move on,” Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert at Double Trust Dating, tells us. “However, if your partner makes the same ‘mistakes’ constantly […] it then becomes a red flag that you’re dating a toxic person and you might need to seek outside help or even breakup.”

The choice is up to you when it comes to what feels like a dealbreaker and what doesn’t. But if certain relationship problems keep happening — such as a pattern of toxicity, lack of trust, or boundary issues — it can and will affect your relationship in the long-run. If any of the issues below happen more than once, experts say it may be a sign of a bigger problem in your relationship. Or simply a sign it’s not meant to work out.

1. Relying On An Ex For Emotional Support

Ashley Batz/Bustle

There’s nothing wrong with being friends with your exes, so long as you and your partner are on the same page about it. If everything’s agreed upon, you can all be friends, text, hang out — no problem.

It’s only if you notice your partner reaching out to exes for emotional support — instead of turning to you — that it may be a sign of a problem.

“When we begin looking [for support] outside of our relationship, that is a sign that our needs are not being met with our current partner,” psychotherapist Jennifer L. Silvershein, LCSW, tells us. It could also mean your partner is hung up on their ex, or that something is going on behind your back.

According to Silvershein, this realization should prompt a conversation about the current health of your relationship. By talking about it, you and your partner can set up boundaries and figure out ways to provide better support for each other — in a way that doesn’t involve leaning too heavily on an ex.

2. Keeping A Big Secret

Ashley Batz/Bustle

It’s fine if it takes time to get to the point where you feel safe opening up to each other about your deepest, darkest secrets. But if you two develop a habit of keeping your thoughts/worries/anxieties to yourself, it will create problems down the road.

“While you don’t have to tell your partner every detail of your life, it’s important to be open about the big issues,” Bennett says. “You might be able to get away with keeping a secret once. But, if you’ve agreed to be open and transparent as a couple, keeping another major secret is a sign of underlying toxicity.” It may also point to a lack of trust in your relationship — which is something you’ll want to begin working on ASAP if you’d like to keep the relationship going.

3. Forgetting An Important Date

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

It’s totally forgivable if your partner forgets the date of your first anniversary, or accidentally misses a date you had planned. Not everyone has an ironclad memory, and sometimes a busy schedule gets in the way.

But if things like this keep happening, it may be a sign they’re not invested in the relationship. “Everyone can be forgetful and you’re bound to have a memory lapse on occasion,” Bennett says. “If [they] forget twice, it just proves [your] happiness is not [their] priority.”

4. Needing To Take A Break

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

In order to see your relationship with fresh eyes, it’s sometimes necessary to take a break or spend time apart. And that’s completely fine. “But, if you take breaks or break up more than once, it’s a sign the relationship is unhealthy,” Bennett says. “If you have to keep separating, it’s probably best just to break up and move on.”

5. Not Acknowledging Your Relationship In Public

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

If your relationship is still in its early stages, you may be able to forgive the act of downplaying your status. For example, “on a night out, [if] you run into a group of their friends, your partner may introduce you as a ‘friend,'” Amica Graber, a relationship expert for the background checking site TruthFinder, tells us.

While it may not feel great, it’s understandable the first time. But once you talk about making a commitment, this shouldn’t ever happen again. “It’s acceptable for someone to muddle their words when you first start a relationship, but only once,” Graber says. “If someone wants to keep your relationship a secret, something is wrong.”

6. Teasing To An Unhealthy Degree

Ashley Batz/Bustle

In many cases, there’s nothing wrong with occasionally poking fun at each other, or cracking jokes at your partner’s expense. As long as you’re both OK with it, it’s definitely not a problem.

Take note, though, if you’re constantly the butt of your partner’s jokes. “If a partner makes a hurtful comment when teasing, it’s important to explain that you don’t like that comment, and not to do it again,” Graber says. “We can all accidentally hit a raw nerve with friendly banter, but when someone says not to do it again — listen. If a partner continues to tease you in an area you’ve defined as off-limits, they need to go.”

7. Crossing A Boundary

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

Similarly, it can take time to learn each other’s boundaries, as well as what pushes each other’s buttons. So don’t despair if you cross the line a few times, or if you accidentally upset each other.

As Graber says, “A new partner will test your boundaries at some point, and that is your opportunity to lay down some ground rules.” These moments are the perfect time to chat about what’s OK to talk about, and what isn’t — as well as what the “rules” will be for your relationship going forward.

“This is totally natural,” Graber says. “But watch out if someone habitually tries to test your boundaries. It’s a telltale sign of a toxic person.”

All couples have problems that crop up from time to time. As long as you’re working on improving them, they don’t have to be a dealbreaker. It’s only when the same annoying problems keep happening, and it’s starting to feel toxic, that you may want to reevaluate your relationship — to make sure it’s the right one for you.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

If He Doesn’t Do These 5 Things For You, Let Him Go

Sadly, the need for the latter is often mistaken as the more important one instead of the former.

But of course, that’s not how it should be.

It’s great to have a boyfriend but it is more important to have one who’s not just in your life for the fun of it.

So if you have one who doesn’t do any of the following five things, he’s no better than just an unnecessary piece of furniture on an already crowded surface. You really need to let him go.

1. Support you

If your boyfriend isn’t a believer in your abilities or in the things you do and spend most of your time and energy on, it’s grounds enough for him to be dumped. You need someone in your life who pushes you with his actions and encourages you with his words.

2. Respect you

Respect is far too important to take with a pinch of salt. So if yours is a man who needs to be taught the basic things about respect and he’s not even catching up, you’re free to let him go.

Every man who considers himself old enough to be in a relationship shouldn’t have to be taught how to respect and treat a woman right. If he fails on this front, every self-respecting woman knows better than to constantly battle for respect and fair treatment, especially from the man she calls her own!

3. Respect your family

His respect should not be limited to just you particularly when your relationship is marriage intended. He doesn’t need to love your parents and family members. That’s a demand too much to make of him. But of a necessity, he must respect them – every single one of them.

This is an unbendable rule. Don’t sell your folks and siblings cheap. Demand this at all times and let him go if he feels too big to comply.

4. Doesn’t let you express yourself

Refusal to communicate with you or allow you to express your thoughts, emotions, and feelings in a relationship is a grave offense that you really should not take lightly.

The operative word here is stonewalling, and where this is the order of the day, it’s difficult to imagine such a relationship growing or blossoming into anything magical or enviable.

If he’s closed off and habitually shuts down communication, it’s pointless trying to make things work with this guy. Let him go.

5. Doesn’t put in enough effort

If you have repeatedly tried to make him put in more effort into pleasing you sexually, treating you right, and other reasonable demands you may have, you need to let him go if he refuses to do just that.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Why Men Hurt More Than Women After Breakups

One major reason why men hurt more than women after breakups: men always just want to suck things up.

The end of a relationship is never fair to anyone. Men hurt, women hurt when the familiar feeling of happiness is suddenly snatched from them due to a breakup. Even when the breakup is expected, the grieving process often still plays out.

A British study has claimed that men suffer more long-lasting pain from breakups than women. The question that naturally follows this is: why is this so? How and why are men hurting more when it is they who usually seem to move on from breakups faster and more painlessly?

According to an article published in The Independent Ireland in 2017, it is not so controversial to say that men struggle more after a breakup than women do because “emotionally, [men] often react badly to major life upheavals. Moreover, [men’s] methods for dealing with changed circumstances are not always helpful.”

Women handle breakups differently from how men do it [Credit - Shutterstock]

Women handle breakups differently from how men do it. A 2015 survey by Men’s Health magazine backs up this statement. Conductors of the survey found out that going to the pub was named the best way to “get over” a split according to while one-third of those polled said the jilted party would be better off if he acts unbothered by the whole thing.

Right there, is one of the reasons why men suffer – the unwillingness to face what happened and come to terms with the reality of it.

Unlike women, males grew up with the 'men don't cry' attitude. [Credit - CanStock]
Unlike women, males grew up with the ‘men don’t cry’ attitude.

“Males grew up with the ‘men don’t cry’ attitude and while men may deal with things differently, it doesn’t mean they don’t feel the same pain and the same hurt as women,” says Elaine Hanlon, a counselor, and psychotherapist based in Dublin. “So for generations, men have learned to suppress this pain and hurt and ‘be a man’ which doesn’t allow much space for vulnerability.”

On the other hand, women are typically more comfortable finding a shoulder to cry on and letting it all out.

“Women are often less dependent on their significant other for emotional support – they typically have a wider circle of friends and will confide to family in a way most men wouldn’t countenance,” Hanlon says.

That kinda explains why they come to grips with reality and find the real strength to genuinely close a chapter a move on to the next quicker.

Women break up with men more than it happens the other way round. Another explanation for why men are hurt by breakups more [Credit - Shutterstock]
Women break up with men more than it happens the other way round. Another explanation for why men are hurt by breakups more.

Another reason why women don’t suffer as much as men after a breakup is because they do the breaking up more times than men.

“Studies show that more women than men are the initiators of a marriage break up today,” Hanlon adds.

What this means is that women have more time to start processing the pain ahead. They begin to prepare early for the outcomes of splitting up from a partner. By the time they are done with that phase, the man may just be beginning his.

For men, therefore, it is important to begin to deal with breakups in more expressive, healthier ways as opposed to the ‘suck-it-all-up’ technique that is being used from way back.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1