Brooke – Insanity Girl

One time I went on a tinder date with this girl, Brooke. She was smoking hot. We’re talking Instagram fame hot. I start talking to her, we exchange numbers, she sent me some topless pics on snapchat. I’m basically on top of the world.

She calls me a day before we meet up and asks me a lot of weird, way too personal questions. Right off the bat her personality seemed pretty weird but I figured she was just kind of quirky.

I take her out to dinner and this girl has horrible table manners. She tells me all about the guy she had been seeing recently, (like a week before I came to find out) and keeps asking me questions about my money, dick size, if I can do a backflip, all kinds of odd shit.

After we eat I take her to my house to watch a movie or something. There were so many red flags going off in my head about this girls personality, but she was so beautiful I didn’t listen to my conscience. (I never do. Beauty always wins.)

I take her to my house and we start watching movies. This girl gets up out of the seat and starts running around my house! Almost aimlessly. Just sprinting. Not saying anything at all. Just running from place to place, not making eye contact with me and not acknowledging anything I say. I was actually terrified at this point. I wasn’t afraid of getting hurt, I was more afraid because I thought I was watching someone who was just clinically insane. She was just totally disconnected… Anyway, so we got to fooling around a little bit after that and I called it quits.

I once had a cat that did that running around aimlessly thing, so it’s pretty normal. Just let them get it out their system, then they come back to the couch and you can pet them again.

She leaves later that night and I’m still processing what happened.

I keep texting her because I’m an idiot and she’s hot.

For some reason she starts getting angry when I don’t text her back within 5 minutes. Literally 5 minutes pass and she said “Fuck you.” Out of nowhere, for no reason. At this point is when my brain finally kicked in and I blocked her, deleted her number, blocked and deleted her on every other form of social media as well.

Other odd thing about her, she told me one day she ate a whole chicken in one sitting and drank the grease up.

No girl is attractive enough to outweigh insanity.

 

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Nadia and Frankie

So I’d been chatting to a girl named Nadia on Tinder for a week or so and we had organized to go on a date the next Thursday; we were both pretty busy and that was the only night we were both free. The weekend comes around and I meet a girl at a party. Frankie (the girl at the party) and I hit it off straight away and we play some beer pong, talk and generally just have a good time. I walked her home and we set a date for Tuesday.

Tuesday comes around and we have a great time. Met for coffee late evening, went for a walk around the city and got dinner. She says that her roommate won’t be home until later and invites me back to her apartment for a movie and after the first half of Guardians of the Galaxy, we get to having sex.

I go to the kitchen to get a drink and, being home alone, I decide that just wearing my underwear will be fine. So I’m at the sink, gulping down water in my underwear when I hear a rattle. It’s not coming from Frankie’s room, it’s coming from the front door. I panicked, turned to face the front door and as it opened, I vaguely recognized the girl’s face.

Turns out Nadia and Frankie lived together.

Obviously almost-naked me is the last thing poor Nadia expected to see when she came home; she managed to get about 3 steps into the hallway before she even noticed someone was there. As soon as she did, she screamed and bundled herself back against the door, clearly thinking I’m some weird guy who breaks into people’s apartments semi-naked to steal tap water or some shit. I go bright red, embarrassed as hell while trying to calm Nadia, who’s seconds away from a heart attack.

By this time, fully naked Frankie comes running into the hallway confused as hell, much to Nadia’s surprise. After she calmed herself down, Nadia was pretty cool about the whole thing. I explained about the party and the date and she was initially kinda pissed but she said she understood and was cool about it. Carried on dating Frankie until she moved to New York for a job. Amazing girl, amazing figure.

 

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Heather – The Family

I went on tinder to try to get more dates. This was a couple of years ago. I’d been working too much. I just wanted to have more fun.

I got a message and set up a date with this girl. It’s my 5th date from the site, it’s been fun. But this one girl was like one of those love at first sight moments when we met at a restaurant. I saw Heather and she was perfect. I tried to play it cool but I felt like I could just cut ties with all the girls I’ve dated and just commit to her.

Physically she was everything I could ever ask for and exactly my type. Her personality seemed about a 10/10. About 30 minutes into sitting down, we didn’t even order cause we were just talking. The chemistry was as good as it was with my first love when I was 14. It was perfect, sparks were flying, I thought I was done and ready to commit here.

But then she tells me to forget about ordering food, let’s go somewhere else, and she has this idea. She won’t say much and I like surprises so I didn’t ask much. We jumped in my car and drove to this restaurant about 20 minutes away kind of out-of-town. It was half way up a mountain near a ski resort. I’m familiar with the area so no big deal.

We walk in and her family is celebrating her aunt’s birthday. There was only family and a lot of it, about 40 people. She introduces me and everybody was happy to meet me and really nice. Everybody also knew that she was out on a first date. They were asking her stuff like, “Is this the guy?” “Is this your date?” “Is this the one?” All of the sudden I wasn’t so cool and relaxed. I felt pressure to be on my best behavior. It was high pressure to the 3rd degree. But everybody was nice so that helped. We sat down and I started being questioned by her older sister, her aunt, and another lady that I forget her relation to my date. The mom started kind of defending me and telling them to back off and let me eat. But the interrogating continued. After I don’t know how long they turned to my date and jokingly said, “we approve.” Then I was able to kind of get my bearings for a minute.

I was totally off-balance all night, just tense. I was afraid the back of my shirt would get that a big wet spot cause I felt sweat on my back. So the sister brings her cute little girl and let’s me hold her and she and my date started taking pictures of me holding her, and somebody else’s baby boy as well. I started to feel like the tone of it all was that we were a couple. I kind of felt like I was married to her and these nice people were my in-laws.

After a couple of hours probably closer to 3 hours, everybody was kind of tiring out and everything began to wind down, keep in mind her car is still at the other restaurant down the hill. Then her dad suddenly asks me “jokingly,” what my intentions are with his daughter. Though I can’t remember how he phrased the question. Everybody looked at the table looked at me which is about half the people there.

I guess I was exhausted from all the questioning (I was questioned by multiple people, multiple times) and the pressure of it all cause I kind of lost it. He asked the question, I looked across the table at her, and she told her dad to stop it. Her dad smiles and jokingly says that he’d really like to hear my response, and her uncle (I think) also said he’d like to know (jokingly). I looked at my date and said, “Can I talk to you alone for a minute.” To which her dad laughs loudly and says “I made him nervous.”

So everybody is laughing now and I guess it was a big joke. I stood up in place, kind of, it was one of those long bench seats and I couldn’t push it back cause other people were sitting on it. Then her sister (I think) says, “Oh there are no secrets in this family, speak your mind.” People then laugh again and everybody starts making jokes about not having secrets and this man who married into the family somehow tells me that he remembers being in my place and he says, “Let me give you some advice, the best thing to do right now is speak your mind and be honest.” Then others join in and echo his sentiment, all jokingly I think.

So I looked at my date and she says something like, “You can tell me anything here, we’re all family.” She also I think was joking. But I had started to lose my ability to tell when people were joking and when they were serious. So the dad says, “Wait, I haven’t gotten an answer to my question.” So finally I speak directly to the dad and say, “I’d like to discuss that with her first.” But I REGRETFULLY, laughed as I said it. So her dad says, “I asked you first, I wanna know.” I turn to my date and she says something like, “Go ahead you can tell me, I’m a big girl I can handle it.”

So I said ok, and sat down then took a couple of breaths while her dad kind of quieted everybody down. I started with “I think I made a huge mistake.”

It all spiraled down from there. I said harsh things like that I felt like I was having a bad dream where I was suddenly married. I questioned her intentions in bringing me there. I said stuff like, “What were you thinking?” Yes, I liked you, but I just met you, and right now I know your aunt (I pointed at her sitting next to me) better than I know you.”

I think she was humiliated but I couldn’t stop, the more I spoke the more bad stuff came out, total fucking tail spin. I said I want to find someone special but I don’t want to skip the first 29 dates and skip to date 30 which is what I’d done that night.

Then people started interrupting and chiming in and suggesting that she and I slow down and have a real first date. I wasn’t having it, I was out of control. I said, “No, it’s too late for that, I feel robbed here, I wanted to meet this girl, get to know her, date her, and maybe fall for her, but now it’s like we’re engaged and her whole family is here and there are all these expectations. We skipped the getting to know each other, and dating part so I feel robbed.” Then I said yet another thing I regret. I said “It’s a HUGE RED FLAG (with an emphatic gesture) that I asked for minute alone with you to talk, and this is what I got instead.” I added something like “you’re all great and a great family, but the lack of certain boundaries is a huge red flag for me. I would never let my relationship become family business.”

My date interrupts me at this point and says, “Okay, so let’s talk in private, let’s go outside and talk, I’m sorry I didn’t give you that minute, let’s go outside and talk privately, I’ll give you all night.” She was visibly shaken and I could tell tears were inevitable. I stood up again and realizing that I had insulted all of them I just quietly walked out. I felt really bad cause they were all nice and had nothing but the best intentions for me. They love her, and they were literally telling me that I was good enough which should’ve been a compliment, but I somehow took it the wrong way and spat in their face. I didn’t even drink.

I drove home alone in silence.

 

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Phicklephily – Tinder Moments

 

Here are even more crazy Tinder posts!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Best Opening Message To Send On Tinder Is Foolproof — Here’s Your Guide To Using It

The only thing harder than writing your Tinder bio? Choosing your opening line. You only get one chance to get a match to reply, so if you find yourself typing, “Hi,” or “How are you” then you might want to tap that backspace key. A clever or thoughtful opener is far more likely to get a reply, and though I graduated from Tinder five years ago (and recently married the man I met on the app), I like to think that my old go-to opener is still a winner. What’s the best opening message to send on Tinder, you ask? Asking their opinion on a topical debate is the way to go.

The problem with using “Hi” and “How are you?” as conversation openers is that — besides being totally lazy — there’s little opportunity for your match to engage with you. Sure, you might get a half-hearted reply. For most potential matches, however, that opener won’t inspire a response from your matches (or at least not an interesting one). Not to state the obvious, but your opener should allow your match is open up, and since nothing sparks Twitter engagement quite like a viral dispute, why not try the same technique on Tinder?

Alberto Bogo/Stocksy

Now when I say “topical,” I don’t mean anything involving politics, religion, money, or any other potentially contentious subjects. You may value your match’s opinion on the current political climate above all else, but if you jump into something too personal or sensitive too soon, you risk alienating (i.e. freaking out) your match. By topical, I mean whatever hilariously random debate that currently has the internet in a tizzy. From the “black-and-blue versus white-and-gold dress” debate to the “Yanny versus Laurel” conundrum, the internet provides endless fodder for Tinder openings, and it would be a missed opportunity not to take advantage.

“So have you done the Ice Bucket Challenge yet or do you refuse to succumb to peer pressure?”

“Do you love pretending to care about soccer whenever the World Cup comes around or do you hate on the fake fans?”

“Yes or no: Would you see Sharknado 2 in theaters with me?”

Some of my matches gave lame responses, but the ones who engaged actually helped stimulate some pretty great conversations.

Stocksy/Saptak Ganguly

So what would work nowadays? Here are a few responses I’ve come up with for friends looking to stand out in a match’s inbox.

1. “Where do you stand: Did you believe Daenerys Targaryen was always destined to go mad, or did you sign the petition to remake Game of Throne‘s last season?”

2. “Which celebrity had the most epic cameo in Taylor Swift’s ‘You Need to Calm Down’ video? Go!”

3. “I’m taking a poll: Do you take the time to wash your legs in the shower?”

4. “Disney’s live action remakes: Yea or nay?”

5. “Which Jonas Brother and J-Sister pairing do you ship the most and why?”

6. “Crinkle-cut, curly, wedge, or waffle — what’s your fry type?”

7. “I’m curious: Would you kick Mick Mulaney out of the room for coughing?”

8. “OK, do you think over 30 million people have watched Murder Mystery on Netflix, or are you calling BS?”

Sure, your match may not be as up-to-date on pop culture as you are, but even if they have no clue what you’re talking about, I feel pretty confident that you’ll get a response regardless.

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Handful of Dates – Part 5

Mentally Ill –  This story is a bit sad. I was on the internet on a Saturday morning around 9 am and on some dating sites you can IM the person live if they are on. I get my first live IM ever and start talking to this girl. She is not at all bad looking. She asked what I was doing today, and I said nothing. She then asked if I wanted to hang out. She was only two miles away from where I lived and since I wasn’t doing anything, I said sure. I should of talked to her more or over the phone.

Someone dropped her off in a large white van. It turns out she lived in a group home and suffered from severe head trauma from a car accident she had when she was 17 and the passenger died. She had seizures, and had to be watched, but was allowed to do normal things day to day, even meeting guys on dating sites. She was very clingy and after a few hours of hanging out she flat out asked if I would have sex with her.

I can tell it has been a long time for her and she was extremely lonely, but she also has normal women desires. Now I felt kind of bad and almost went through with it out of sympathy. I thought, “hmmm if I was handicapped and a girl offered me sex out of sympathy I would of probably jump on it”.

I’m glad I DID NOT go through with it because after the date she called and texted me constantly. Also the text were, I cant wait to have your kids, we should go away together to Hawaii, I can’t wait to feel you inside me, I almost had to change my number because  these messages went on for a few weeks.

 

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Phicklephilly – Tinder Moments

More crazy online dating profiles!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Maureen – Finance Manager – Part 2

She’s on her second martini and I can see it is bringing forth the real Maureen. I like this because when most people get foggy with alcohol everything becomes more clear to me.

I get to Marathon 40 minutes before Maureen. I’m happy she’s hung in there and is coming to meet me tonight.

The bar is empty and I get a seat on the end which I love. My favorite bartender Mike is behind the stick and makes me my usual. Bulliet Rye Manhattan, up with a brandied berry and a side of ice. Delish.

I see my man Branson the beverage manager and I can see he’s dealing with some crisis, so we simply wave. I love Marathon. Think of an upscale diner with locally grown farm fresh food. Just a cool vibe with terrific consistent dining.

I’m watching the Winter Olympics on the TV behind the bar and surfing on my phone. Currently on the TV is women’s track. All powerful women with great legs.

My friend who I got a job there as a server Francesca rolls over to me. She leans in for a hug and a kiss. (See: Francesca – Monday Feels Like Friday) I’m happy to see her and notice the musculature of her back. My girl’s really in great shape.

She tells me how she’s had a horrible week. She’s recently tried to get back together with her ex boyfriend who is a great guy but has anger issues. Never hurt her, but… just too much rage. A personality disorder. He was supposedly going to therapy, but apparently he didn’t and just lured Fran back into his life and is still the same fucked up, violent dude he was a month ago.

She tells me she’s done with him. It’s sad. I really feel her pain. Francesca is a great girl, and I know she really cared for this dude, but he needs to get help.

“I’m sad but I got laid this week.”

Classic Francesca.

“Yea. You know him. It’s Michael. He comes in to your salon to tan occasionally.”

“Oh, yea… him.”

“Yea. I had a horrible week, so I needed to unhook my belt.”

I love Fran and I know she’ll be fine. It’s called being on the right side of thirty and the wrong side of romantic experience. She’ll find her way. I like that’s she’s confident and empowered in her sexual identity as a woman.

I tell her I’m meeting a lady tonight.

“What about your girlfriend?”

“Everything’s fine.”

“Then what is this?”

“I don’t know. Just a meet up for drinks.”

“Does she know that?”

“Don’t judge. Nothing’s happening.”

 

Maureen rolls in on time. It’s been raining and I see her near the hostess stand getting herself together. I stand and wave to her. She approaches and it feels a little to corporate with the handshake, but it’s early.

She is obviously not 24 and I would put her age somewhere between mine and 60.

She seems fine, and I’m one Manhattan in, so I’m low and ready. She orders a vodka martini straight up with a twist and olives. Okay. Let’s see what that looks like.

I give her my whole rap sheet and she exchanges hers with me. Seems she’s been driven by work her entire life. Very successful, and has lived all over the world for her jobs.

Never married. No kids.

That’s a red flag nowadays.

Why no one?

We order food and I get my usual barbecued chicken sandwich with fries. (Which is always glorious) She gets the crab cake platter and sweet potato fries. (Which is equally magic)

Here’s the thing. I don’t see myself doing this again. She’s a nice lady. She’s smart and worldly. But I’d rather just drink with Francesca for an hour and go home. This lady is just too old. She’s missed it all. All of the things people my age have gone through she’s missed.

She’s taken care of her parents for the last 12 years and now they’re both dead. Now she wants to get out and meet men.

No.

That’s not my scene. I have a girlfriend. Maureen was persistent and present. My girlfriend Cherie isn’t. I love Cherie. I don’t want to go on dates with women anymore. Especially ones as far removed from my world as Maureen clearly is.

She’s on her second martini and I can see it is bringing forth the real Maureen. I like this because when most people get foggy with alcohol everything becomes more clear to me.

I’m telling a story and she calls me out on the way I tell the story. She says I look away when I tell a tale, as if I’m talking to the character in the story. No one has ever said that to me in a half a century. I just met her. If I’m telling a story I’m not going to look right at her when I do the dialogue. I think it’s to imposing to a woman to speak to her like she’s actually in the story. I know people who do this and it’s uncomfortable.

So I look away as if I’m addressing the person and I don’t direct it at my guest.

She says it’s weird and it looks like I’m doing a performance.

I don’t like this, and she seems like she’s not only stepped over the line socially but the martinis have loosened the reasons why she’s alone.

I look at the bartender Mike, and swirl my finger in the air. (Wrap it up)

She sees her misstep and how I’m done, and desperately tries to backpedal. I’ve already decided that we’re done, but I actually agree with her and admit that I do it. I’m just buying time. The die has been cast. I’m not going to waste my time with any more of these lost women.

We actually kiss (drunkness) and on a second kiss she slips me the tongue. Its fine but how gross is it for me to be doing PDI with an old lady in my favorite diner? Has she no moral code? It feels clumsy and gross.

She goes to the bathroom and I joke that I always do that when the bill comes. Maureen is totally cool with splitting it, (Which redeems her for a second) I also notice that one of my Manhattans has been taken off. (Thank you, Branson. My man!)

Francesca floats by and says hello.

“I saw some tongue action over here.”

“Stop it.” I laugh “This ones not going to make it. I may be in here tomorrow with another one.”

“Holly shit! Really? You’re as bad as me!”

“Kidding. I’m done and my Marathon rewards card still isn’t working.”

“Not my problem. Talk to the owner. He works out at your gym.”

Again…classic Francesca.

Maureen returns and we wrap it up. This has been a real lesson for me.

I need to continue on the path that I carve and that which is carved for me on the path of least resistance. That has always worked for me. All of these dating sites are just cast off people. It’s nonsense. Just like social media, online dating is a sad desert of sadness.

Real sharks swim in the ocean.

I need to embrace Cherie and write about my life. It’s plenty exciting and I’m done with all of this dating nonsense. It ends here. Anything that happens from here on out will be purely organic.

But I’ve said that before.

I text Maureen that I got home safe and she does the same.

I’ll not call upon her again.

 

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Maureen – Finance Manager – Part 1

I matched with Maureen on Bumble. Let’s take a look at her profile.

Maureen, 24

(Okay. Clearly something’s wrong from the start. This woman in her photos is not 24 years of age. She’s at least in her 40’s. But I’m sure it’s just a typo.)

Finance Manager

Location

PHILADELPHIA

About

Easy going, adventurous, generous, an excellent friend, very bright, witty and a whole lot of fun, with a great smile. A good listener, companionable, accomplished, cook extraordinaire and definitely glass half full. Thanks to my friends for the above comments about me.

 

Seems nice enough.

Because it’s Bumble, ladies go first. So if she doesn’t message me on the app in 24 hours, the match will expire.

But sure enough, she does.

“Hello – In addition to your nice blue eyes, I also enjoy to laugh a lot. What do you like to do in your spare time? I look forward to chatting!”

“Hello Mary! Thank you for the compliment you seem lovely as well. I enjoy socializing when I’m not working and writing.”

“Socializing sounds good – I like times with friends, entertaining, celebrations. I see we are both in Philadelphia. I think it would be worth our while to chat. When is good for you to connect?”

(Wow. She got right to the point. This lady’s not wasting any time.)

“Lunch next week?”

“Charles – ok, how does next Thursday 2/1 or Friday 2/2 work for you? – Mary”

(At this point I must have gotten distracted or busy with work because she reaches out again on 1/31)

“Charles – I am not sure if you got my message. Would you still like to have lunch? Does Thursday Feb 1 or Monday Feb 5 work for you – Mary”

(On Feb 2 I get back to her. I don’t know what took me so long. Could be that she’s really pushing hard early for a date.)

“Sorry Maureen. Death in the family.” (Bold faced lie.) Could you do a drink at Square 1682 on 2/5?”

“Sure, Charles. Monday as proposed works for me. Let’s get on the phone very briefly for details.”

(Why do we have to talk on the phone? She seems pushy.)

(On the 5th Maureen messages me again.)

“I am confirming that I will meet you for a drink at 8:30pm tonight at Square 1682.”

(I’m really being a dick here. I didn’t get back to her. What’s wrong with me? Am I becoming like my shitty dates?”)

“Since I have not heard back from you, I am assuming tonight may not work for you. So let me know if you would like to meet another time for a drink. – Mary”

(I don’t get back to her until the 7th. I really suck on this one. She’s been more that patient with my loser ass.)

“I’m sorry Maureen. What does your Saturday look like. Also here’s my number, 267-555-1212.”

(February 8th I reach out again. Maybe I’ve lost her with all my jerking around.)

“Saturday after 5?”

“Sure. Sounds fine. I texted you.”

“And I texted you back, dear. (smiley emoji)”

(Now we switch over to actual texting)

“Charles Saturday evening is fine to meet in person – Center City, I imagine. Do you have a preferred place? Look forward to meeting. Mary from Bumble.”

(She certainly is thorough. But I have been a piece of shit through all of this.)

“Let’s meet at Marathon at 16th and Sansom at 6pm.”

“Sounds fine. See you then.”

“Great. Looking forward to meeting you.”

 

(So today at 11:00am I texted her again.)

“Still good for 6pm at Marathon today?”

“Yep.”

“Great.”

(So we’ll see how it goes tonight. I will be leaving the salon in about 20 minutes from now. I should get to Marathon around the corner. I’ll get there probably at 5:15. Which gives me a 30 to 45 minute window to smoke a post work celebratory cig and then have a Bulliet rye Manhattan straight up at the bar to decompress before my first meeting with Maureen.

So if she shows up, (I’m sure she will) They’re be a chapter 2 on Thursday!

See you later!

 

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Is this the worst Tinder profile ever?

As any single people will tell you, online dating is a minefield.

However, one man decided to take matters into his own hands, by creating a points system so he didn’t waste his time dating women he wasn’t interested in.

His Tinder profile was uploaded to Twitter by a woman who claims to have ‘stumbled upon the world’s worst straight dude tinder bio’.

He starts by telling his possible match to ‘do the math’ and then lists out all the things he looks for in a woman and then scores them out of 20 points.

If they work out, they should add two points, if they like to drink, add one point and if they’re shorter than 5’3, add two points.

However, he tells women to minus two points if they smoke cigarettes or watch Netflix for more than three hours a day.

If they’re unemployed they should take away four points and if they can’t cook, minus one.

View photos

 

The man’s Tinder profile scored the women out of 20 points. Photo: Twitter/@TheDreamGhoul
More

The post, which already has 20,000 likes, was blasted by people on Twitter, who claimed they are a great date but scored low on the test.

“Ridiculous that he’s giving out more points for loving your family than being a freak in bed. Also, 3 hours of Netflix a night shows dedication and should be rewarded, not penalised,” one person said.

“My score is zero. I didn’t add up anything… zero is just the number of seconds I could spend in conversation with this guy without the overwhelming urge to projectile vomit all over him,” another person said.

We don’t know if this guy will get many dates after this.

 

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