10 Things Guys Should Do During (And After) a First Date – If They Ever Want a Second

One step at a time, fellas.

So you went out on a first date with the woman you’ve been crushing on, and you thought she was absolutely amazing.

She’s the hottest, sexiest woman you’ve met, and you definitely want to see her again — a lot — but you’re not totally confident you know how to get a girl to like you, let alone get her to be your girlfriend.

How can you successfully ask her out on a second date and capitalize on the heels of that great first one?

If you want to know how to get her to like you, here are my 10 best during and after the first date tips for men that are (almost) guaranteed to get you that second date:

1. Ask her out at the end of the first date for a second date.

When asking her out at the end of the date, be sure to ask her to do something she told you during the date she finds exciting.

For example, if she likes Mexican food, tell her you know the best Mexican restaurant in town and you want to bring her there Tuesday night. Set that second date up so she doesn’t have time to think about the first date, and so she has something to look forward to.

2. Text or call her the very next day.

Either text her a simple message that says “Had a great time last night … Looking forward to the next time.” Or, call her and leave a message and tell her the same thing over the phone. Don’t try to be coy by waiting a day or two to follow up.

3. Don’t expect sex or force the issue of sex.

Take things slow and enjoy getting to know each other. There are no rules about when to have sex for the first time with a new potential partner.

You’re both adults, and if a woman decides that she doesn’t want to have sex with you for a month, respect her! Or, if a woman decides she wants to have sex with you on the first date, respect that decision, too!

When you do have sex, make sure that the two of you handle it like adults and not like children.

4. Be positive and fun when you’re out with her.

Don’t bash your exes. Don’t complain about all the things that are wrong in your life.

Spend time getting to know each other’s good sides.

5. Listen to her.

Question things that don’t sound right. Have a two-sided conversation instead of talking at her.

Most men tend to want to impress women based on their accomplishments. Women enjoy getting to know a man based on what’s inside. So spend time listening and having a conversation instead of bragging about yourself. The less you brag, the more interested she will be!

6. Don’t check out other women in front of her.

Do this, and you’ll never get another date with her again.

7. Compliment her once about the way she looks.

Don’t tell her all night long how beautiful she is or she may start to think that you’ve never before been out with a woman as beautiful as her, and you’ll start to lose your intrigue.

8. Instead of complimenting her looks, compliment her mind.

Bond with her mentally and emotionally and physically, and she will bond with you in ways that you’ve never experienced before!

9. Don’t agree with everything she says.

Challenge her mind — don’t just agree with her.

If you agree with everything she says, she’ll look at you as being weak. If she sees you as being weak, she will no longer be attracted to you and you will no longer get a second look or a second date.

I’m not telling you to be confrontational. I’m telling you to be open, honest, and real.

10. Once you’ve secured the second date, and the second date is successful, set up an “activity date” for date number three.

Take her to the park, go to the beach, or take your dogs for a long walk.

Do things that cause her to picture the two of you as a couple. Dates should be creative, not boring. Sitting there and swapping stories over dinner tends to get monotonous after date number one, so start creatively planning different dates so the two of you can start to get to know each other in a very different manner.

Follow these tips, and I assure you that you will get to see her again after that first date far more than you have in the past.


Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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7 Reasons He Doesn’t Trust Being In A Relationship With You

You can’t get past his trust issues if neither of you knows what causes them in the first place.

When you first start dating a guy, he’s on his best behavior, showing you the best parts of himself.

It’s not until much later that you see him as a whole human being, complete with flaws. And one of those flaws may come in the form of trust issues.

Why do men have trust issues in relationships?

Most people experience trust issues in their relationships at some point in their lives. But sometimes a man has been harmed far more than you realized at first.

True intimacy can only be experienced once both partners have jumped over such hurdles and learned how to be fully vulnerable with one another.

While you can follow conventional relationship advice and simply stop seeing him, you could also choose to take some time to discover why he feels the way he does.

Here are 7 commons reasons men have trust issues in a relationship. Do any of them sound familiar?

1. He hasn’t faced his issues head-on.

Perhaps the greatest obstacle to emotional intimacy for a man in a relationship is his struggle around trust. My mentor opined, “Where there’s no trust, there’s no love,” which is a painful truth for men with trust issues.

The negative consequences of not being able to trust push some men to face their issue, and many opt to work with other men, do individual therapy, read self-help books, or be in a relationship with a woman who’s willing to be his partner while he resolves his trust issues. While it may seem smarter for a woman to find a man without trust issues, the reality is that trust issues for men are ubiquitous.

2. He never learned how to trust.

I’ve worked with men for decades, and I counsel men via Skype. What I’ve gleaned from my own experience, as well as my work with other men, is that a substantial number of men’s trust issues originated in childhood, which is when the trust was supposed to be learned from parents, but often wasn’t.

Unfortunately, the parents didn’t always relate to their children from an emotional place other than anger, and as a result, weren’t the best emotional role models.

A parent’s promise wasn’t necessarily a guaranty for many boys, and while it may not have been their intention, promises not kept felt like betrayal and affected their ability to trust.

3. He doesn’t want to dredge up his past.

A boy’s learned lack of trust follows him into his relationships with women as well as other men, and it hobbles him until he’s suffered enough to face the emotional work. Sadly, few men dig into their trust issue because doing so churns up old and painful demons, and while my experience demonstrates that other men can best help him, it’s a catch-22 situation because he doesn’t trust other men sufficient to work with them.

Trust issues affect many aspects of a man’s life and often with painful consequences. Their friendships with other men remain mostly surface, and their relationships with women are in constant struggle around trust. Trust issues can make a man a cynical loner and feel unlovable.

4. He doesn’t have a support system.

How can a woman be in a successful relationship with a man grappling with trust? First and foremost, the work to move beyond his trust issues is his alone, and the most a woman can do is offer her patient, compassionate support.

What does that look like? Men with trust issues are typically insecure about their partner’s love and frequently ask her for reassurance. A hug, a compassionate smile, or a simple declaration of love can all help a man feel that he can trust.

But the caveat to this support is that a woman can’t take on a man’s trust issues as hers, but rather support him in his work. A man with trust issues needs a partner, not a codependent.

5. He still has unfounded concerns from spilling over from his past.

My trust issues were cemented by a violent, abusive boyhood. My father taught me by example that men couldn’t be trusted, and my mother followed his lead. As a consequence, I wasn’t a piece of cake for any woman until I began doing the difficult work around my trust issues.

While I’ve learned to open my heart, those trust demons still pop up occasionally. When they do and I’m finding it difficult to let them go, I ask my partner if she still loves me, to which she asks if I’m fishing, which is her way of letting me know my concerns are unfounded.

When I consider the myriad of men I’ve worked with over the years, it’s clear my trust issues aren’t unique.

6. He was betrayed by a woman before you.

A woman’s betrayal is another event that can shut a man’s heart down and prevent him from trusting women again. A man who has been betrayed and had his feelings crushed isn’t going to willingly repeat that experience.

Part of the problem is that few men face their pain, heal their wounds, and ignore it until it festers and affects their ability to be emotionally open or honest. A man’s fear of having his heart broken again lives in his psyche until he comes to grip with it.

7. He hasn’t yet done his work.

I counsel men individually, and I urge those that don’t seek counseling to become involved with other men in confidential groups where they can trace the source of their trust issues together and resolve them. I urge women to encourage men to pursue this work with other men because it will improve the quality of their relationship.

When the women I coach ask what they should look for in men my suggestion is to date a man who has faced or is facing his issues in therapy, a man’s group, through reading books about his issue, who has problem resolution skills, and an emotional vocabulary.

Every relationship faces difficult times, and a man who hasn’t learned problem resolution skills will find resolving relationship issues impossible.

These skills aren’t innate in many men but learned instead. Emotional health is as important as physical health for partners in a relationship.

I urge men harboring trust or other demons to work on them before beginning a relationship. Showing up whole, or on the mend is only fair.


Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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13 Questions That Are Possible Red Flags If Your Partner Won’t Answer Them

Over the course of your relationship, there will be plenty of topics that’ll make you and your partner uncomfortable. Things like money, or whether or not to move into together, can be tough to chat about — and even a little bit awkward. But that doesn’t mean your partner should ignore your questions if you ask. And if they act strange when you want to know about finances, or get all weird when you ask about their past, it could certainly be considered a red flag.

As Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, an NYC-based therapist, tells us, “Communication and trust are two of the most important areas of a relationship. Getting answers to important questions helps build the foundation for a healthy relationship.” That’s why, if your partner shuts down during certain conversations, it’ll begin to shut down the relationship over time. And that’s definitely not OK.

That’s not to say that you two need to be completely open books. In fact, there are plenty of things you don’t have to tell each other, Hershenson says, like how many people you’ve dated in the past, or even problems you’ve overcome that no longer impact you. (Because the past in the past, right?) For the most part, though, you should feel comfortable talking openly and honestly about most things or at least having a goal for yourselves of heading in that direction. With that in mind, read on for some questions your partner should almost always be able to answer. Because if they can’t, experts say it may not bode well for your relationship.

1. “How Did Your Last Relationship End?”

If your partner can't tell you how their last relationship ended, it can be a red flag.


If this topic comes up over the course of a conversation, it might be a red flag if your partner shies away from saying exactly how their last relationship ended. And that’s because, as Hershenson says, “it’s important to know about what went wrong for your partner in the past and if they are still continuing the same behaviors.”

So it isn’t so much about digging up the past, or getting juicy details about what went wrong, but instead about making an effort to not repeat old patterns. If things blew up due to cheating, for example, it’ll be good to know so you can watch out for yourself.

“Perhaps they are the reason things ended and they don’t want you to judge them, or the wound is still fresh and they aren’t fully over it,” Kate MacLean, resident dating expert at Plenty of Fish, tells us. “Either way, you have a right to know the basic details.

2. “Can We Talk About Our Health Histories?”

Everyone’s entitled to keep their health history private. But if it’s something that could affect your relationship, you have a right to know. Not only can their health impact your health, but knowing what they’ve been through in the past can shed light on what they might struggle with in the future.

For example, knowing if you know they’ve experienced depression, anxiety, or substance use is important because it will give you an indication as to what potential triggers might be for them,” Hershenson says. If they don’t want to share, you can’t help. And that’s not going to make for a healthy relationship.

3.”Can You See Us Ever Moving In Together?”

If your partner can't make future plans, it might be a sign they don't want the same things as you.


While it can be tough to talk about big, relationship-y things that might happen in the future, it’s important to do it anyway so you can make sure you want the same things. So go ahead and ask your partner about things that matter to you, such as moving in together, and see how they react.

“Remember, there are no right or wrong answers to these questions,” Suzanne Casamento, a dating expert, tells Bustle. “The problem is when someone cannot answer them at all. When you’re in a serious relationship, ‘I don’t know’ can be a red flag or it could be an opportunity to find out more.”

You kinda want to be with someone who knows, even if it is that they don’t know right now. It shows they’re being honest, and this can open the door to having more conversations down the road, once they’ve figured it out.

4. “Do You Want To Get Married?”

You might also want to check in with other big things, like whether they see marriage in their future if that’s something you want. Remember, though, that it’s not necessarily about your partner’s answer, as much as it’s about their willingness to talk about things that are important to you.

As Hershenson says, answering Qs about marriage “gives you an indication as to whether there is even a future with your partner.” If they can’t tell you one way or the other, it means they’re either hiding something or they don’t know what they want. And neither situation is one you’ll want to deal with.

5. “Would You Ever Go To Therapy With Me?”

If your partner doesn't want to go to therapy, it can be a sign they won't be able to successfully work through problems, should they arise.


If your partner seems to react poorly to the idea of seeking couples therapy, it could indicate some underlying problems, as well as a certain level of immaturity that might not do your relationship any favors down the road.

As Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills-based family and relationship psychotherapist, tells us, it can also mean they aren’t willing to work on themselves. And when they aren’t willing to work on themselves, it’ll be impossible to work on your relationship.

“You have to be willing to work on yourself first,” she says. Without that effort from your partner, you two won’t be able to create a committed or healthy situation.

6. “Can You Tell Me What’s Going Wrong?”

If you two are having issues, it’s not a great sign if your partner can’t seem to articulate just how their behavior is impacting you, which is why you might want to go ahead and see how they answer this question, the next time you’re having a disagreement.

As Walfish says, if you ask your partner what’s wrong and they just say “everything” or say things are “bad,” that’s not enough. They should be able to describe the depth of the issue, she says, or at least attempt to do so. If they can’t, it either means they don’t feel anything about the relationship, that they don’t care about the situation, or that they lack communications skills, and that can all be a problem down the road.

7. “How Do You Define Trust?”

Apart from healthy communication, relationships are built on trust, which is why your partner should be ready and able to talk about it at length. “Questions about trust and safety are important,” Brandon S. Ballantyne, LPC, NCC, CCMHC, licensed professional counselor, tells us. “How does your partner define trust? Does it match your values and expectations of trust? How does your partner define safe boundaries? And does this conceptualization of safe boundaries provide the safety you are looking for?”

While you don’t need to question them rapid-fire and get all your answers at once, take note of their willingness to chat about these things, as well as whether or not you can live with what they say.

8. “What Really Scares You?”

In the name of being vulnerable in front of each other (which is, of course yet another important aspect of a relationship) your partner should be able to spill the beans when it comes to what scares them.

“A partner who refuses to tell you their fears should also raise a red flag,” Dr. Joshua Klapow, licensed clinical psychologist, tells us. “The idea that they are afraid of nothing or will not share that information is another emotional barricade. It keeps you from understanding them at a much deeper level.”

If they can’t talk about tough topics these things right away, try to be understanding. Not everyone has an easy time opening up or admitting their “flaws.” But it is something you should work towards together if you want a solid relationship.

9. “How Do You Want To Handle Money?”

It's essential that you're able to talk about money with your partner.


While it’s not exactly fun to talk about, you should never get the cold shoulder when asking about money. “Finances are a very important factor in relationships,” Stef Safran, a matchmaking and dating expert, tells Bustle. “Whether finances are plentiful or not, you might find that if your partner won’t discuss them, that you might not be on the same page. Too many marriages fail because one person is in the dark about how the other person manages money.”

Not to mention, “if they get defensive or closed off, there may be a bigger issue like credit card debt or credit score issues,” MacLean says. “If they are committed to improving their financial situation, then you can openly discuss a finance plan for paying down debt and improving their credit score. If they aren’t open to improving their financial situation, you’ll need to decide if this is a dealbreaker.”

10. “How Are You Feeling Right Now?”

If it’s obvious your partner is struggling with an issue, it’s perfectly OK to give them space. But if you ask what’s wrong and they push you away on a regular basis, take note. “A partner who refuses to talk to you about what they are feeling is a partner with who you will never be able to grow,” Klapow says. “Emotional expression is absolutely critical to a relationship.”

There are, of course, plenty of things people don’t have an easy time sharing. But again, this isn’t about what your partner says, as much as it’s about their willingness to talk. If they are going through a tough time, offer support. And maybe even see if they’d find it helpful to go to therapy, so they can begin to manage whatever’s holding them back.

11. “Do You Still Talk To Your Ex?”

While it's OK if they talk to an ex, your partner should be able to give you details, if you want them.


Everyone has a different arrangement when it comes to how they handle their ex. If your partner talks to theirs, it’s likely nothing to worry about. But if it bothers you in any way, they should be able to cough up some info.

“If your partner refuses to give you a straight answer about whether or not they are still in contact with any of their ex-lovers then this may be an indicator that they don’t trust that you can handle them staying in contact with an ex, or that they are interested in keeping certain aspects of their past life from you,” Weena Cullins, LCMFT, a licensed marriage, and family therapist, tells us.

It could also mean they aren’t fully over their ex, or willing to break off communication with them, should you ask. Either way, Cullins says it’s all a red flag and is something you’ll need to learn more about before moving forward with the relationship.

12. “Do You Have Any STIs?”

The sooner you can talk to your partner about their sexual health history, the better, including whether they have any STIs. There is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to STIs, and talking about it openly can help remove the stigma.

“It can be an uncomfortable topic for some partners, but it’s important to ask this question before you get into the heat of the moment,” Cullins says. “If your partner refuses to give you a straight answer about their comfort level with using protection, then this is a red flag. Knowing in advance who will take responsibility for safety during sex could prevent a sticky situation down the road.”

13. “What Are Your Boundaries?”

It's important to be open and honest about boundaries if you want your relationship to work.


It’s important to set up healthy boundaries in your relationship. So take note if your partner isn’t down to talk about what they want, or if they aren’t willing to listen to what’s important to you.

“Maybe they have never been asked, maybe they are inexperienced in relationships, or maybe their feelings are really nuanced and complex,” therapist Shadeen Francis, MFT, tells us. “These circumstances are benign and can be workable. It is a red flag, though, when folks are clear with themselves about their boundaries but are unwilling to share them with you until you have made a ‘mistake.'”

It’s much better to be honest from the get-go about dealbreakers so that you can have a healthy level of respect for each other, and create a solid connection.

That’s why, if your partner can’t answer these questions, you need to know why. You deserve answers to the things that matter most to you, as well as a partner who is willing to talk openly — all in the name of creating a secure relationship.

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Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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5 Qualities Every Healthy Relationship Should Have

The term “healthy relationship” gets thrown around more than confetti on New Year’s Eve, but people tend to have vastly different ideas of what a healthy relationship actually looks like based on a variety of factors — including the relationship examples they grew up seeing and the values instilled in them from childhood. But despite these different ideas, most healthy relationships will have similar qualities that are important to seek out and strive for if you want a relationship that’ll make you feel stable and happy.

Psychotherapist Dr. Vassilia Binensztok defines a healthy romantic relationship as one that is “resilient” in the face of stressors. “Every relationship has ups and downs. Arguments will happen and problems will arise,” Binensztok tells us. “A healthy relationship is one that has been strengthened by both people so that it can weather rough seas.” Another way of conceptualizing what a healthy relationship looks like is to think about your relationship in terms of how happy and fulfilled you feel. “In a relational context, I like to focus on satisfaction,” Todd Baratz, a psychotherapist who focuses on sex and relationships, tells Elite Daily. Do you feel good about your relationship dynamic? Do you feel respected by your partner, and like you can be your truest self? Your happy relationship might not necessarily look like your best friend’s happy relationship, and that’s OK. What matters most is how you feel in your own partnership.

Binensztok and Baratz laid out five solid relationship qualities that the most basic healthy relationships should have. Other qualities, like your sex life or how much time you dedicate to each other, can be subjective. Again, you and your partner’s ideal might not be the same as someone else’s, but a physically and emotionally healthy relationship will usually have the below.

1. A Deep Knowledge Of Each Other

MixMedia/E+/Getty Images

Knowing your partner isn’t just about how many years you’ve dated them. It’s about having a deep sense of how they really are as a person. Partners who truly know each other “understand each other’s reasons for doing things, or at least strive to,” says Binensztok. “They know the other person’s experiences, inner world, dreams, and desires.”

While you and your SO might not necessarily agree on everything, Binensztok says, you understand where the other person is coming from when you do disagree.

2. Genuine Connection

Another quality a truly healthy relationship will have is authenticity in the couple’s interactions. In practice, this looks like you and your SO continuing to turn to each other for connection and conversation. Partners are “present and responsive, rather than dismissive or hostile,” Binensztok says. Baratz emphasizes emotional and physical safety (as well as fun) as important qualities in satisfying relationships.

3. A Fair, Equal Approach To Arguments

People in healthy relationships won’t usually fight dirty when faced with conflict. Instead, Binensztok says, “[Partners] try to understand and empathize with each other. They attempt to compromise.” This also includes neither party getting defensive when their partner confronts them with something uncomfortable.

4. Respect For Each Other & The Relationship

Mutual respect is crucial in healthy relationships, Baratz says. And according to Binensztok, partners in healthy relationships “don’t insult, mock, or diminish each other.” Sure, some roasting or spicy banter can be fine every now and then (if that’s the established dynamic between you and you’re SO). But it’s not OK to genuinely degrade your partner, insult them, or make them question their value.

5. Mutuality

couple of lesbian friends in love and happy using mobile phone and laptop on city streets. gay people concept and technology and communications


Last but not least, all parties must be willing to put in the effort necessary to make their relationship work. It’s a quality that Baratz calls “mutuality.” Respect, while important, isn’t the only value that has to go both ways. Each partner has to be committed to the relationship, and to the work, it takes to make it a safe, nourishing partnership to be in.

Yes, there will be ups, downs, and plateaus. But when a couple can accept that these are natural parts of a relationship, they will be more willing to work through them. “When we expect that work is part of the process, we become more open to doing the work,” Binensztok says.

What Do You Do If Your Relationship Lacks One Of These Qualities?

The good news is that your relationship isn’t doomed if you feel it’s missing one of these qualities. If your relationship seems to be missing intimacy, mindfulness, fair fighting in arguments, general respect, or the feeling that the other person cares, “do not freak out,” Baratz says. Instead, try to stop judging yourself or your relationship.”Learning is never a bad thing,” Baratz says. Think of this realization about your relationship as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Binensztok explains that these five healthy relationship qualities are all things that people can learn. “Partners can seek counseling, read books on relationships, and make an effort to improve areas that are lacking.” The only catch, she says, is that all parties have to be committed to the relationship as a whole, “rather than seeking only to get their personal needs met.”

Often, people may think that the existing dynamic between a couple is set in stone, but it’s normal for relationships to need some work. And while the nuances of healthy relationships may look different for everyone, at their core, all it takes is keeping patience, honesty, and kindness at the forefront of your thoughts and actions.


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4 Mantras To Recite Before Breaking Up With Someone, So You Can Let Go

There are few things harder than making the decision to end a relationship, especially when your partner doesn’t see it coming. Regardless of what your reasons might be for the breakup, you may catch yourself second-guessing and questioning your decision. What if you’re making the wrong choice? What if you’re not as happy without them? Dwelling on these questions may make you spiral, so in order to keep your head above water, it’s helpful to have a few mantras to recite before breaking up with someone.

Now that cuffing season is officially in full swing, it can be easy to get caught up in the idea of being in a relationship. Having a special someone to come home to and marathon cringeworthy Hallmark movies with can provide a huge source of comfort during the holiday season. However, this time of year, some people may feel more inclined to stay in a relationship that they know deep down isn’t totally fulfilling them. If you fall into this category, you may be dragging your feet when you know your connection is at a dead-end, and sometimes, you just gotta rip the band-aid off. To help you do that, here are some mantras to keep in mind.

I fully trust myself and my instincts.

Reflection of a young attractive caucasian woman looking to mirror. Wearing casual, beautiful blue eyes, serious look. Indoors, copy space.


If you’ve been going in circles trying to decide whether or not to break up with someone, it can feel almost impossible to get out of your own head and look at things objectively. There’s always going be what-ifs and unanswered questions, but the key is to have faith in yourself and your instincts. This is especially important to keep in mind if the breakup isn’t mutual, and your ex-partner tries to convince you that things are better with them than without them.

Nicole Richardson, a licensed counselor and marriage and family therapist, recommends taking a step back and remembering why you wanted to do this in the first place. “It is important to have a list of all the reasons you broke up,” she tells Elite Daily. “And remind yourself when your brain starts to play the tape of all the ‘good ol’ times.’”

I’m focused on prioritizing my happiness.

Pain is a given after any breakup, and if you had deep feelings for each other, it may not be an easy transition at first. Because feelings don’t just fade away the day after a breakup, getting to a point where you feel OK again may be hard on both of you. If you’re someone who’s prioritized your partner’s feelings instead of your own in the past, try to switch mindsets and focusing on your own happiness and well-being. Take some time to really think about what makes you happy, whether it’s hanging out with your friends, trying a new workout class, or eating your bodyweight in double-stuff oreos (all three are equally valid options, IMO).

It’s OK to care about someone and move on without them.

This mantra can be the hardest to internalize. When you’re so used to having your life intertwined with someone else’s, it can be extremely difficult to imagine yourself moving on without them, especially if there’s no bad blood between the two of you. Just because you want to go your separate ways doesn’t mean you don’t still care about each other — it can just means that you’re ready to start a new chapter in your life and figure out who you are as an individual.

I deserve to be in a relationship that fulfills me.

We’re all tired of hearing the cliché: “there are plenty more fish in the sea”, but sometimes, it really can help put things in perspective. Currently, there are over 7.5 billion people on this planet, so your odds of finding a relationship that’s fulfilling, exciting, and uplifting are fortunately pretty high. Keep reminding yourself that there’s probably someone better out there, and that you deserve to love and be loved unconditionally.


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